The leaves are beautiful! I really need to do a leaf drive some time soon. I'm looking out the library's windows, and I'm amazed at how gorgeous it is. I really need to start carrying my camera around so I can photograph the trees. (side bar: WHY WILL EFFING LJ NOT LET ME PUT A FREAKING HEART?! I HATE YOU LJ.).
Soy, yeah. Love! It's so gorgeous out! I love the fall!
Today at lunch, Jenn said, "So, are you and Jon Scobie an item yet?" and I was like "WTF?!" because it came out of NOWHERE, and she was like, "Come on, I saw some chemistry," and I go, "Yeah, well, he has a quasi girl back in Washington" and she was like, "So!! You are here, and she's not, so you automatically win on that point, and I wonder if she's online?" so then, some major online stalking ensued, and we found her on Facebook AND MySpace, where we looked at her pictures and determined that I am much prettier than she is and can totally kick her butt in a fight because I'm way tougher looking, too.
Anyway...I feel like I'm having this conversation with every. single. person. ever., and I really don't understand why, because yes, ok, I have a crush on him, but...why does everyone care so much? There are people I don't even KNOW asking me if we're together, because we seem all cute and together when we talk in the hallway. My friends are apparently discussing behind my back that he and I should get together. There people discussing with eachother that they don't know why we're not together yet. There are people asking me if he's asked me out yet. I even had someone random ask me if he had asked me to Barrister's yet! Wtf?!!!!?!?!
And now people are trying to deliberately throw us together in situations so that we can...what, fall in love? Last night at dinner SQ pulled the table out so that instead of sitting across from eachother, we sat next to eachother, and he lit candles to make the mood 'a little more romantic,' and then he kept whispering to me that I should just kiss him, and on. and on. and on. (I would like to take this moment to add that neither Jenn nor SQ knows of my crush; they have their suspicions, but the only people who know explicitly are Friend, whoever else might read this, and Jess.) Cute, yeah, but...blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. My crush has no longer become just my own: it has become the property of everyone in this school that knows us, and even some who don't. I suppose it's amusing, but why are they trying so hard? Is there something I'm missing here? I feel like Dennis and SQ know something I don't, and I feel like that something would really help clear some of this up for me. Heeeeeelp.
Aaand back to leaves. Lovely! Gorgeous! Firey! I love the fall!
Monday, October 9, 2006
Monday, October 2, 2006
dreams
Last night, I had an odd dream. The first thing I can remember is several of us, including myself, Jon, Jenn, Dennis, Sungkyu, and a few other people standing around the law school parking lot at night. I was facing County Line Road, with my back to the Spring Mill/Law School Overflow lot, and we were maybe 2 rows away from that overflow lot, maybe 10 parking spaces in. It was really dark out; and I'm assuming cold, because I remember wearing a jacket, and the sky was glittering, and the pavement was so, so black, and it glittered as if covered in ice.
I'm not sure what we were all doing, but I know that my car was at another end of the parking lot, and we were all deciding rides, and suddenly Jon said that a few other people would go together, and he would drive me home, and I remember saying, "What just happened here?" because everyone started departing. And then he and I were in the backseat of a car, and a woman who turned out to be his mother was driving. I didn't say anything to her, for some reason, even though it was the first time I'd met her; and it was suddenly understood that Jon and I were together. I then introduced myself to her, something like "I'm Laura," and shook her hand. Her hair was brown at this point, and she had lovely red lipstick on. Then I said something else, and I'm not sure what, that made Jon upset. We got home, and he and I were living next door to eachother at the end of a long hallway; it seemed like dorms of some sort. I walked into my room/apartment, on the right side of the divider, and he walked into his; I changed into pajamas: white flannel pants and a form-fitting camisole, I think. Then I walked out and was about to walk into his room because I wanted to talk to him about what I had said, and his mother was just walking into his room, so she was right outside, a woman who had short, curly brown hair that seemed to be blonde at times, and every now and then she had glasses so that she looked a little like mr 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Linke. The curls looked as if they were artificial, because they were so large and cylindrical, as if she had made them with rollers.
She said to me, "Ssh, I'm not quite done talking to him," so I walked back to my room to wait. As I did so, I heard her saying to him, "It's a shame it took you two so long to get together..." and then that was all I could hear, and I remember thinking, "It's too bad we're breaking up now, because he's so upset at what I said."
I don't know how much time passed, but then I walked into his room, and his desk was up against the wall in a configuration similar to the way my desk was set up in my room in the Roselle house. He was sitting there, and I walked up tentatively, and said, "Jon, about what I said, it's not-" and he turned to me, smiled, and cut me off, talking about something entirely different. At this point I don't remember what he said, but I started laughing and smiling, saying, "What does this mean?" and he smiled and it was like nothing had changed, and we were still together, and I was so happy, happier than I've felt in a long time, and then I think that he hugged me. I don't remember anything after that, and I think I woke up then.
When I actually did wake up, I felt...still. No chaos inside, no racing thoughts, nothing. I wasn't fuzzy, or confused about where I was going or what I had to do, like I normally am in the morning. My alarm went off, I stretched in bed briefly, got up, and started getting dressed. I felt strangely at odds with myself.
****************
ETA: I'm suddenly reminded of the beginning of the dream, I think we were all at a dinner similar to what we did with Patou, during Restaurant Week. Jon's father was there, too, but I don't remember anything about him except that he had a round head, and hair like Jon's, except light brown.
****************
I just...I don't know what that means. The dream itself didn't make me upset; I think waking up to the reality of my life is what made me upset. I didn't want to tell Ken that, because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but the more I think about it...I was so happy, and everything was so rich with Jon. By rich, I mean...lush. Feelings were lush, surroundings were lush, I felt...happy and lush and....like my life was made of some gorgeous, thick, deep plum colored velvet. Waking up to the gray of the morning and the gray of my relationship and the gray of the realization that I'm not with Jon.....I think it depressed me enough to override the feeling of happiness that I felt in the dream. I want to go back to sleep, go back into the dream life that my mind created for me, be with Jon, be happy. I don't want what I have right now - I don't want a broken relationship with Ken, I don't want Jon to be in a partial relationship with that girl from Washington; I just...don't. I want me and him, together. I want to sleep in his bed. I want to share his blankets. I want to be his short little girlfriend, I want to hold his hand, I want to touch his face, and revel in his little cleaning habits. I want to be able to look at him unabashedly without fear of reproach, or fear that someone will realize. I want all that, not this. If it's true what Jess said about Dennis saying that he thinks Jon and I should just date, I don't know what that means. Does that mean Jon likes me? I wish I knew. I wish...I just want to give it a try. I want to kiss him, touch his face, hold his hand, see what it's like.
I don't want Ken. I don't want Ken. I want Jon.
I feel like such a child saying that, as if I had a choice. The problem is, I can't have Jon, and I don't want anyone else, so I may as well stay with Ken. I care for him, still, I suppose, and it's not fair, but...if I never tell him, he'll never know, and if he tries hard and gets a new job and gets healthy and loses weight, maybe he can make me happy. Maybe.
But I still want to try with Jon. This...I wish...I wish we were on a real break, so that I could try with Jon for a little bit, and see how it goes. But Jon wouldn't do that, he's already said that he wouldn't really do anything with another girl, since he has her back home. I know it's only a semi-relationship, but...oh god, I wish we could try. Just..go on a date. Hang out. Maybe kiss, once. One perfect little kiss, to give me forever, so that I could just hold on to that and move on with my life, and hope that he stays in it in one form or another.
Oh, Jon. Jon. I wish I could just say this all to you. You make me feel like myself. You make me kind. You make me love the world. I want to talk to you about all this, because you make me feel secure.
Maybe our trip to the halloween store can be our date. Maybe you can kiss me. Maybe.
I hope he kisses me.
I'm not sure what we were all doing, but I know that my car was at another end of the parking lot, and we were all deciding rides, and suddenly Jon said that a few other people would go together, and he would drive me home, and I remember saying, "What just happened here?" because everyone started departing. And then he and I were in the backseat of a car, and a woman who turned out to be his mother was driving. I didn't say anything to her, for some reason, even though it was the first time I'd met her; and it was suddenly understood that Jon and I were together. I then introduced myself to her, something like "I'm Laura," and shook her hand. Her hair was brown at this point, and she had lovely red lipstick on. Then I said something else, and I'm not sure what, that made Jon upset. We got home, and he and I were living next door to eachother at the end of a long hallway; it seemed like dorms of some sort. I walked into my room/apartment, on the right side of the divider, and he walked into his; I changed into pajamas: white flannel pants and a form-fitting camisole, I think. Then I walked out and was about to walk into his room because I wanted to talk to him about what I had said, and his mother was just walking into his room, so she was right outside, a woman who had short, curly brown hair that seemed to be blonde at times, and every now and then she had glasses so that she looked a little like mr 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Linke. The curls looked as if they were artificial, because they were so large and cylindrical, as if she had made them with rollers.
She said to me, "Ssh, I'm not quite done talking to him," so I walked back to my room to wait. As I did so, I heard her saying to him, "It's a shame it took you two so long to get together..." and then that was all I could hear, and I remember thinking, "It's too bad we're breaking up now, because he's so upset at what I said."
I don't know how much time passed, but then I walked into his room, and his desk was up against the wall in a configuration similar to the way my desk was set up in my room in the Roselle house. He was sitting there, and I walked up tentatively, and said, "Jon, about what I said, it's not-" and he turned to me, smiled, and cut me off, talking about something entirely different. At this point I don't remember what he said, but I started laughing and smiling, saying, "What does this mean?" and he smiled and it was like nothing had changed, and we were still together, and I was so happy, happier than I've felt in a long time, and then I think that he hugged me. I don't remember anything after that, and I think I woke up then.
When I actually did wake up, I felt...still. No chaos inside, no racing thoughts, nothing. I wasn't fuzzy, or confused about where I was going or what I had to do, like I normally am in the morning. My alarm went off, I stretched in bed briefly, got up, and started getting dressed. I felt strangely at odds with myself.
****************
ETA: I'm suddenly reminded of the beginning of the dream, I think we were all at a dinner similar to what we did with Patou, during Restaurant Week. Jon's father was there, too, but I don't remember anything about him except that he had a round head, and hair like Jon's, except light brown.
****************
I just...I don't know what that means. The dream itself didn't make me upset; I think waking up to the reality of my life is what made me upset. I didn't want to tell Ken that, because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but the more I think about it...I was so happy, and everything was so rich with Jon. By rich, I mean...lush. Feelings were lush, surroundings were lush, I felt...happy and lush and....like my life was made of some gorgeous, thick, deep plum colored velvet. Waking up to the gray of the morning and the gray of my relationship and the gray of the realization that I'm not with Jon.....I think it depressed me enough to override the feeling of happiness that I felt in the dream. I want to go back to sleep, go back into the dream life that my mind created for me, be with Jon, be happy. I don't want what I have right now - I don't want a broken relationship with Ken, I don't want Jon to be in a partial relationship with that girl from Washington; I just...don't. I want me and him, together. I want to sleep in his bed. I want to share his blankets. I want to be his short little girlfriend, I want to hold his hand, I want to touch his face, and revel in his little cleaning habits. I want to be able to look at him unabashedly without fear of reproach, or fear that someone will realize. I want all that, not this. If it's true what Jess said about Dennis saying that he thinks Jon and I should just date, I don't know what that means. Does that mean Jon likes me? I wish I knew. I wish...I just want to give it a try. I want to kiss him, touch his face, hold his hand, see what it's like.
I don't want Ken. I don't want Ken. I want Jon.
I feel like such a child saying that, as if I had a choice. The problem is, I can't have Jon, and I don't want anyone else, so I may as well stay with Ken. I care for him, still, I suppose, and it's not fair, but...if I never tell him, he'll never know, and if he tries hard and gets a new job and gets healthy and loses weight, maybe he can make me happy. Maybe.
But I still want to try with Jon. This...I wish...I wish we were on a real break, so that I could try with Jon for a little bit, and see how it goes. But Jon wouldn't do that, he's already said that he wouldn't really do anything with another girl, since he has her back home. I know it's only a semi-relationship, but...oh god, I wish we could try. Just..go on a date. Hang out. Maybe kiss, once. One perfect little kiss, to give me forever, so that I could just hold on to that and move on with my life, and hope that he stays in it in one form or another.
Oh, Jon. Jon. I wish I could just say this all to you. You make me feel like myself. You make me kind. You make me love the world. I want to talk to you about all this, because you make me feel secure.
Maybe our trip to the halloween store can be our date. Maybe you can kiss me. Maybe.
I hope he kisses me.
Monday, July 3, 2006
I'm slowly giving in to the feeling of being wildly out of control of my own life. I'm starting to believe that contacting him was not the cause of this insanity, but rather symptomatic of it. The reversion I'm suffering from just ultimately took me back to him, which shows how far I've reverted. Ugh, I'm losing my mind and I have no idea what to do about it. I'd like to go back to work and have no time to think, because that's always easiest. I can even deal with being too tired to work out so long as that's coupled with being too tired to think.
I miss him, and I want to see him, but at the same time I really don't because I'm afraid of what will happen if I do. If he touches me, I'll melt, and what if he wants more and I can't say no? I'm so mentally exhausted that I don't know if I could have the willpower to say no. Further, I'm afraid to see him because I'm slightly afraid of him, which scares me in and of itself because I've never been afraid of someone, ever in my life. The little things he says, like "Right answer, babe" and "I wouldn't let you look bad if you were with me" terrify me. I don't know if he's become more controlling as we've gotten older, or if he's always been like that and I just never realized it, but nevertheless it frightens me. I'm not sure what to do, because...will he just leave me alone if I don't call him? I'm afraid not to answer, because what if he has my address? He said he used to read my journal, and check my profile, and the address was there for a while, so maybe he knows. I'm so ashamed to say I'm afraid. I'm never afraid. Of course I'm afraid of having to fight, because who wants to do that, but I've never been afraid of a man I know, afraid of being manipulated, afraid of being controlled. I like control, but only when it's my own. I control my life, not anyone else. He can't control me, but I can already see that he might try. I'm strong-willed and I think I can survive this and get him out of my life again, but...I'm afraid I've grown weak over the last couple of years. Yeah, I fought off Brandon, and yeah, I'm manipulative and can stave people off like I did that drunk guy on the way to Temple a couple of weeks ago, but Rooney is an entirely different story. I'm mentally weak when it comes to him, and he's so much bigger than me that I don't know if any amount of adrenaline would help. I need him out, gone, forever. I can't do this to myself. Yeah, having him in my life is tremendous motivation to get my body back to where it was, but...I don't know. I don't know, I don't know I don't know. I want to cry. I want to scream and throw up and kick the walls in and scream and bash my head into the wall until I pass out, so I don't have to think or be afraid anymore.
I give up.
I miss him, and I want to see him, but at the same time I really don't because I'm afraid of what will happen if I do. If he touches me, I'll melt, and what if he wants more and I can't say no? I'm so mentally exhausted that I don't know if I could have the willpower to say no. Further, I'm afraid to see him because I'm slightly afraid of him, which scares me in and of itself because I've never been afraid of someone, ever in my life. The little things he says, like "Right answer, babe" and "I wouldn't let you look bad if you were with me" terrify me. I don't know if he's become more controlling as we've gotten older, or if he's always been like that and I just never realized it, but nevertheless it frightens me. I'm not sure what to do, because...will he just leave me alone if I don't call him? I'm afraid not to answer, because what if he has my address? He said he used to read my journal, and check my profile, and the address was there for a while, so maybe he knows. I'm so ashamed to say I'm afraid. I'm never afraid. Of course I'm afraid of having to fight, because who wants to do that, but I've never been afraid of a man I know, afraid of being manipulated, afraid of being controlled. I like control, but only when it's my own. I control my life, not anyone else. He can't control me, but I can already see that he might try. I'm strong-willed and I think I can survive this and get him out of my life again, but...I'm afraid I've grown weak over the last couple of years. Yeah, I fought off Brandon, and yeah, I'm manipulative and can stave people off like I did that drunk guy on the way to Temple a couple of weeks ago, but Rooney is an entirely different story. I'm mentally weak when it comes to him, and he's so much bigger than me that I don't know if any amount of adrenaline would help. I need him out, gone, forever. I can't do this to myself. Yeah, having him in my life is tremendous motivation to get my body back to where it was, but...I don't know. I don't know, I don't know I don't know. I want to cry. I want to scream and throw up and kick the walls in and scream and bash my head into the wall until I pass out, so I don't have to think or be afraid anymore.
I give up.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
I can't even THINK. I'm trying SO HARD and I can't, I just keep drifting back to "how am I going to fix this?" I talked to Ken, and I could always chance it and try to forgive/forget. This is probably just misplaced energy, from missing Brian and still being upset that we're not friends anymore, but I hate losing friends and I'm tired of it and I'll negotiate and be flexible and compromise to a reasonable degree in order to keep them. I don't knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. This is absurd how many times I've updated in the last week or so. I never do this! The obvious reason is that I need an outlet. I guess I'm kind of working through this on my own and I'm pretty sure that I've already made my decision, but I still have to work through it and make sure that it's what I want to do. Arggg.
This is absurd. People don't have this effect on me, ever. Stop it, go away, I want to remain being the cute bubbly girl that doesn't really get affected by people like this. I've lost friends before, even people I considered best friends, and I didn't feel like this. I was sad, sure, but I accepted it as a part of life and moved on. What is wrong with me?
I know what's wrong with me. It's the estrogen. It's the goddamn estrogen. I'm being a girl, and letting my stupid boy-craziness get a hold of my mind. Ba! What happened to Battlepixie? Where did I go? I was angry and annoyed just a couple of days ago! Was it even that long ago? I feel like this some sort of ridiculous tornado ripping through my mind, and the winds are just carrying me along at an outrageous speed without any signs of letting up. I don't even know how I'm managing to keep appearances up and appearing outwardly normal to people at school. The only outward appearnce is that I'm fidgeting way more, or that I'm spacing out a lot during conversations. BA! BA! STUPID BOYS! WHY DOES SEX RUIN EVERYTHING?!?!?!?! STUPID ESTROGEN! You know what the problem is? That I have too much estrogen, and he doesn't have enough. If he had more estrogen, he'd be less inclined to think with his penis and more inclined to think with his brain, and we wouldn't be IN this situation in the first place. DAMN SEX! BOO! BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ok, now I'm going crazy.
This is absurd. People don't have this effect on me, ever. Stop it, go away, I want to remain being the cute bubbly girl that doesn't really get affected by people like this. I've lost friends before, even people I considered best friends, and I didn't feel like this. I was sad, sure, but I accepted it as a part of life and moved on. What is wrong with me?
I know what's wrong with me. It's the estrogen. It's the goddamn estrogen. I'm being a girl, and letting my stupid boy-craziness get a hold of my mind. Ba! What happened to Battlepixie? Where did I go? I was angry and annoyed just a couple of days ago! Was it even that long ago? I feel like this some sort of ridiculous tornado ripping through my mind, and the winds are just carrying me along at an outrageous speed without any signs of letting up. I don't even know how I'm managing to keep appearances up and appearing outwardly normal to people at school. The only outward appearnce is that I'm fidgeting way more, or that I'm spacing out a lot during conversations. BA! BA! STUPID BOYS! WHY DOES SEX RUIN EVERYTHING?!?!?!?! STUPID ESTROGEN! You know what the problem is? That I have too much estrogen, and he doesn't have enough. If he had more estrogen, he'd be less inclined to think with his penis and more inclined to think with his brain, and we wouldn't be IN this situation in the first place. DAMN SEX! BOO! BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ok, now I'm going crazy.
Monday, February 20, 2006
EEEE Crush!!
Oh my goooood I'm about to burst! That little hampster trapped in the mood icon box? That's me!!!!!!!
It sucks hiding a crush from the people at school, because I would love to talk about it all day long, just like I did when I was in high school, but I can't! Boo for the class being so small, and taking everything so seriously! Boo! But, I love having a crush. It's so much fun, and it' s been too long since I had one. *spins like a maniac* And I love that I'm so much more confident now than I was in high school, so I can enjoy my crushes so much more than before. So fun!
It sucks hiding a crush from the people at school, because I would love to talk about it all day long, just like I did when I was in high school, but I can't! Boo for the class being so small, and taking everything so seriously! Boo! But, I love having a crush. It's so much fun, and it' s been too long since I had one. *spins like a maniac* And I love that I'm so much more confident now than I was in high school, so I can enjoy my crushes so much more than before. So fun!
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