Musings

People talk about signs like suddenly they know the answer to that one question they've been mulling over for a period of time. What is a sign? Is it something we look for? Are there such things as actual signs? Are they just coincidences? Is fate real? What is fate? I can't stop thinking about sand and the stars at night and naked angels and umbrella and that female singer that sounded like someone on tv (or maybe just Rosario Dawson but I don't think so) and...jager, she wants revenge, stupid kiddie beach chairs, striped sweaters and that blue polo shirt that was perfect and hugs and the rain and road trips and camping in Montana and northern Wyoming and horse farms and fresh milk and eggs...and traveling the world together and the beach at night and...you.

I hope we're ok. I hope you get back and we're ok after this. I can't keep myself from thinking that it was a sign from God that "She Wants Revenge" was the one that came up on my facebook feed, and not Stars or anything else. I mean, I would have looked at the profile no matter what, but...would I even have noticed She Wants Revenge if it didn't show up on the feed? It wasn't even the first thing on the list. And the words to their songs...I just...I don't even know. They're perfect. They're us. I can't help but hope that you're thinking about me. That you're 'heavy for two days' because you're thinking of it. That you're sinking, and I'm at the bottom. That you're falling for me against your better judgment...because isn't that what love is? It goes against all better judgment. I'm probably just being silly. It won't happen. But...I can't help but hope that it will, against my better judgment and against all rationality and logic. I must be losing my mind to think that things will ever be ok or normal or the same or anything ever again other than odd and awkward and distant. But...I still hope. Please. Please let us be ok.