I'm blank. I don't even know why I have a blog...I don't know what to say! I've joined 20-Something Bloggers, and the tag-line is "20-Something Bloggers: The Bloggers With the Most to Say!" But...I don't have anything to say! Like 2 weeks ago every time I did anything it made me think of something to blog about, but now that's gone...how do people come up with their topics? I'm going to have to undertake an intensive course of other-blog study so that I can maybe get some ideas. I think I also need to figure out if I want to blog about something in particular...other than just 'life' in 'general'. Hmmmmmm.
Maybe I'll do a Daily Me? Maybe I'll dedicate this to my wedding planning ideas/weight loss efforts/book reviews? But I feel like that's too boring, not enough ME. I want me to be in this blog, not just a play-by-play of my daily activities.
Well....I'm sure I'll figure it out.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
First Kiss
My first kiss was something sort of magical. I was 5, it was summer, and it was with my best friend, P.J. He and I used to spend the summers doing nothing and everything, like little kids do in the summer. We'd ride our bikes down the street, careful to avoid the sidewalk in front of the ugly brown house where the creepy old man would sit on the porch and yell at kids for being on his sidewalk.
P.J. and I lived down the street from one another; I lived in the middle of Audrey Terrace, and he lived 4 houses down, on the corner of Crescent Ave. and Audrey. We used to spend a lot of time by the hydrant on the corner furthest away from his house, planning to move to Florida together and marry each other. We were going to start a whale-watching business; he'd be the ship captain, and I'd run the business end of things from the house, and wait for him to come home every evening. I didn't really understand the concept of a widow's walk back then, but every time I read about a woman walking to the end of a pier or the end of her little balcony (literally, the widow's walk) waiting for her husband to come home, I'd think of P.J. and our plans. I imagined myself doing that same walk every evening, waiting for him to come home from work.
One morning we ran down to the fire hydrant closest to his house. I was sitting on top of it, my back to the street and his house to my left, when he told me to close my eyes. I asked why, and he said he had a surprise for me so I did. And then he kissed me. I remember the brief touch of his lips to mine; I don't remember if they were cold or warm, but I do remember that they felt firm against my lips. The sun was streaming through the trees around us, and there was a soft, warm breeze that kept me warm.
It was a sweet moment, and it will always be coupled with the memory of another neighborhood kid, our age, riding his bike past us at that moment and yelling "OOOOOOH I'M TELLING!!!!!" and then riding his bike down to my house where my mom was talking to P.J.'s mom. My eyes snapped open as he yelled it, and me and P.J. both gave out these crazy Tarzan yells and started running after him. Then, we denied the kiss to our parents.
P.J. and I lived down the street from one another; I lived in the middle of Audrey Terrace, and he lived 4 houses down, on the corner of Crescent Ave. and Audrey. We used to spend a lot of time by the hydrant on the corner furthest away from his house, planning to move to Florida together and marry each other. We were going to start a whale-watching business; he'd be the ship captain, and I'd run the business end of things from the house, and wait for him to come home every evening. I didn't really understand the concept of a widow's walk back then, but every time I read about a woman walking to the end of a pier or the end of her little balcony (literally, the widow's walk) waiting for her husband to come home, I'd think of P.J. and our plans. I imagined myself doing that same walk every evening, waiting for him to come home from work.
One morning we ran down to the fire hydrant closest to his house. I was sitting on top of it, my back to the street and his house to my left, when he told me to close my eyes. I asked why, and he said he had a surprise for me so I did. And then he kissed me. I remember the brief touch of his lips to mine; I don't remember if they were cold or warm, but I do remember that they felt firm against my lips. The sun was streaming through the trees around us, and there was a soft, warm breeze that kept me warm.
It was a sweet moment, and it will always be coupled with the memory of another neighborhood kid, our age, riding his bike past us at that moment and yelling "OOOOOOH I'M TELLING!!!!!" and then riding his bike down to my house where my mom was talking to P.J.'s mom. My eyes snapped open as he yelled it, and me and P.J. both gave out these crazy Tarzan yells and started running after him. Then, we denied the kiss to our parents.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Growing
I'm 25, and I've got it pretty good. Actually...really good. I have it better than a lot of people. But it's always good to have goals, because otherwise you become stagnant. You stop growing and lose who you could be, all to keep being who you already are. With that in mind, a brief list of things to do before I'm 30:
1. Go to Greece.
2. Rent a villa somewhere tropical.
3. Become SCUBA certified.
4. Learn Tagalog.
5. Read 100 books each year.
6. Pay off all my debt [lofty goal, as my debt exceeds $170,000]
7. Buy a house.
8. Buy a new car.
9. Be 125 again.
10. Get 2 doggies.
11. Take an exotic cooking class.
12. Have a garden.
13. Learn to make sushi.
14. Go to Vermont.
15. Ice skate, well.
16. Get Ross addicted to Law & Order.
17. Visit Racheal in Georgia.
18. Ride a horse.
19. Learn to control my emotions.
20. Volunteer with PAWS or the ASPCA.
21. Start swimming again; swim a 500 in under 8 minutes.
22. Run an 8 minute mile.
23. Intramural anything.
24. Join a book club that's actually active. Failing that, start my own.
25. Go camping on a beach.
26. Take a solo vacation.
Not that any of these things necessarily help me grow as a person, but I think that pursuing things that you've always wanted to do is part of growing, just because you actually realize the things you've always dreamed of doing. As you do that, I think you have to come to terms with what you expected versus the reality of it, and by doing THAT you grow. I've wanted to go to Greece since I was 8 years old, after a friend from school brought pictures in from her family vacation over the summer. will it be the way I've always dreamed it to be? Will it be better? Who knows? But I know that doing all those things will make me happy, keep me centered, make me appreciate life more fully, and in a way, appreciate the people in my life more fully. So...here's to the next 5 years!
1. Go to Greece.
2. Rent a villa somewhere tropical.
3. Become SCUBA certified.
4. Learn Tagalog.
5. Read 100 books each year.
6. Pay off all my debt [lofty goal, as my debt exceeds $170,000]
7. Buy a house.
8. Buy a new car.
9. Be 125 again.
10. Get 2 doggies.
11. Take an exotic cooking class.
12. Have a garden.
13. Learn to make sushi.
14. Go to Vermont.
15. Ice skate, well.
16. Get Ross addicted to Law & Order.
17. Visit Racheal in Georgia.
18. Ride a horse.
19. Learn to control my emotions.
20. Volunteer with PAWS or the ASPCA.
21. Start swimming again; swim a 500 in under 8 minutes.
22. Run an 8 minute mile.
23. Intramural anything.
24. Join a book club that's actually active. Failing that, start my own.
25. Go camping on a beach.
26. Take a solo vacation.
Not that any of these things necessarily help me grow as a person, but I think that pursuing things that you've always wanted to do is part of growing, just because you actually realize the things you've always dreamed of doing. As you do that, I think you have to come to terms with what you expected versus the reality of it, and by doing THAT you grow. I've wanted to go to Greece since I was 8 years old, after a friend from school brought pictures in from her family vacation over the summer. will it be the way I've always dreamed it to be? Will it be better? Who knows? But I know that doing all those things will make me happy, keep me centered, make me appreciate life more fully, and in a way, appreciate the people in my life more fully. So...here's to the next 5 years!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Move, bitch! Get out the way!
Ha, I think I'm already failing at posting more often. Go me!
And the sad part is, this post doesn't really count, at least in my book, because it's more of a rant. Remember that so-called best friend, who treats me like trash and couldn't muster up any happiness for me upon my engagement? Well, I'd already decided not to make her my maid of honor, because it's totally inappropriate to hold that position when all you can do is talk about how much you hate the groom, without being able to give a better reason than "He tells fart jokes." Honestly? Some people like low brow humor; if you don't, who cares? It's not a reason to hate someone. But whatever.
So I've been struggling with whether to make her a bridesmaid...part of me thought I should, because I feel like if I don't, we'll stop being friends, no matter how I try to explain to her that I don't feel comfortable having in my bridal party someone who doesn't support the marriage at all and hates the groom so much. This upset me, since we've been friends for so long...but right now, I've basically decided that she's not in my wedding, at all, and I don't have to explain anything to her. She doesn't explain anything to me, and she has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't give a crap about what I say or how I feel, unless it's to sing praises of her, so...no.
What brought this on? I twittered about the inappropriateness of my ex-boyfriend sending me flowers on what would have been our anniversary, even though I've asked him to stop contacting me (because he can't seem to get it into his head that I refuse to be friends with him if all he can ever do is tell me he loves me and try to convince me that I still love him and we belong together, even though I'm with someone else and happier than I ever was with him). He knows I'm with someone, and that's just inappropriate. I want him to move on, and get out my life. This, apparently makes me "kind of a bitch."
Why? Because I don't want to tolerate toxic people? He's a toxic person. He spent years telling me that because he was so old (there was a 14 year age difference between us), if I ever broke up with him he'd never be able to have kids or get married, because at his age I was the last chance to do any of those things. Heavy stuff for someone so young, because he started that bullshit when I was 19. I'd say that the last 4 and a half years of our relationship even happened because I felt so guilty that I felt like I HAD to stay, even though I was unhappy.
Why does not wanting that in my life anymore make me a bitch? Oh, right, because you liked him (because he was old, and didn't do anything except listen to music and watch television like you, including the same sci-fi shows) and you hate my fiance (because he was a Marine, and he tells fart jokes) ? Yeah, whatever.
"Wow, you're kind of a bitch. And speaking of him, can you give me his address?" Yeah, fuck you. You're going to call me a bitch for living my life the way *I* want to (because you know what? I don't really care if you liked him, YOU liking him is not enough of a reason for ME to stay with him) and then turn around and ask me for a favor? You've got to be kidding me. Go e-mail him and ask him yourself, stop being so lazy. If you love him so much and think I'm such a bitch for not being with him and not wanting his passive-aggressive tactics in my life anymore, why don't you stop speaking to me and go date him yourself?
Oh right, because he'd never date you. Because he thinks you're a lazy, selfish bitch. Not that you'd know that. Because I protected you from that, because you WERE my best friend, and you don't need to know when my significant others dislike you, especially if you really like them and they're really pleasant and nice to you. Why hurt your self-esteem even more?
God, what a waste. I spent so much time thinking about her feelings, and apparently...so did she. Well, at least the decision's made for me. I'm not putting her in my bridal party, and I'm not talking to her about that decision, because it's my wedding and I don't have to explain myself to anyone except my fiancee. She'll get an invitation, and then it's up to her whether to come or not.
****
Woo, I feel better with that off my chest. It's amazing how much better I feel after posting rants semi-anonymously on the internet. Sorry...I'm really going to need to get on making a normal, non-ranty post soon.
And the sad part is, this post doesn't really count, at least in my book, because it's more of a rant. Remember that so-called best friend, who treats me like trash and couldn't muster up any happiness for me upon my engagement? Well, I'd already decided not to make her my maid of honor, because it's totally inappropriate to hold that position when all you can do is talk about how much you hate the groom, without being able to give a better reason than "He tells fart jokes." Honestly? Some people like low brow humor; if you don't, who cares? It's not a reason to hate someone. But whatever.
So I've been struggling with whether to make her a bridesmaid...part of me thought I should, because I feel like if I don't, we'll stop being friends, no matter how I try to explain to her that I don't feel comfortable having in my bridal party someone who doesn't support the marriage at all and hates the groom so much. This upset me, since we've been friends for so long...but right now, I've basically decided that she's not in my wedding, at all, and I don't have to explain anything to her. She doesn't explain anything to me, and she has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't give a crap about what I say or how I feel, unless it's to sing praises of her, so...no.
What brought this on? I twittered about the inappropriateness of my ex-boyfriend sending me flowers on what would have been our anniversary, even though I've asked him to stop contacting me (because he can't seem to get it into his head that I refuse to be friends with him if all he can ever do is tell me he loves me and try to convince me that I still love him and we belong together, even though I'm with someone else and happier than I ever was with him). He knows I'm with someone, and that's just inappropriate. I want him to move on, and get out my life. This, apparently makes me "kind of a bitch."
Why? Because I don't want to tolerate toxic people? He's a toxic person. He spent years telling me that because he was so old (there was a 14 year age difference between us), if I ever broke up with him he'd never be able to have kids or get married, because at his age I was the last chance to do any of those things. Heavy stuff for someone so young, because he started that bullshit when I was 19. I'd say that the last 4 and a half years of our relationship even happened because I felt so guilty that I felt like I HAD to stay, even though I was unhappy.
Why does not wanting that in my life anymore make me a bitch? Oh, right, because you liked him (because he was old, and didn't do anything except listen to music and watch television like you, including the same sci-fi shows) and you hate my fiance (because he was a Marine, and he tells fart jokes) ? Yeah, whatever.
"Wow, you're kind of a bitch. And speaking of him, can you give me his address?" Yeah, fuck you. You're going to call me a bitch for living my life the way *I* want to (because you know what? I don't really care if you liked him, YOU liking him is not enough of a reason for ME to stay with him) and then turn around and ask me for a favor? You've got to be kidding me. Go e-mail him and ask him yourself, stop being so lazy. If you love him so much and think I'm such a bitch for not being with him and not wanting his passive-aggressive tactics in my life anymore, why don't you stop speaking to me and go date him yourself?
Oh right, because he'd never date you. Because he thinks you're a lazy, selfish bitch. Not that you'd know that. Because I protected you from that, because you WERE my best friend, and you don't need to know when my significant others dislike you, especially if you really like them and they're really pleasant and nice to you. Why hurt your self-esteem even more?
God, what a waste. I spent so much time thinking about her feelings, and apparently...so did she. Well, at least the decision's made for me. I'm not putting her in my bridal party, and I'm not talking to her about that decision, because it's my wedding and I don't have to explain myself to anyone except my fiancee. She'll get an invitation, and then it's up to her whether to come or not.
****
Woo, I feel better with that off my chest. It's amazing how much better I feel after posting rants semi-anonymously on the internet. Sorry...I'm really going to need to get on making a normal, non-ranty post soon.
Friday, January 2, 2009
2009
Happy New Year! Ringing in the new year with my best friends and the love of my life was pretty great, and a first for me. Though I haven't been single on a New Year's Eve since 2000, I've never, EVER spent it with a significant other, so this New Year's Eve was the first time I've ever had a new year's kiss at midnight. It was sweet. :) And it was my honey's first new year's kiss, too, so it was just that much more special! I'll begin with the low points because I like to end on a high note. :)
Lowlights of the night: two bathrooms in the entire place, and one clogging (and the light in that room going out) halfway through the evening, leading to a 45 minute wait on a line that I'd only gotten on to get away from this weird girl that kept following me trying to get me to get her free drinks with my open bar wristband; missing the sparklers that apparently came out after we left!; breaking down once we got home because my parents aren't supportive of anything that actually makes me happy.
Highlights of the night: first new year's kiss; fantastic company; delicious drinks; happiness and laughter galore; amazing shoes; being able to get a cab right away afterwards; having my love be there for me to just listen while I broke down, and then pick up the pieces afterwards. :)
There might 'more' lowlights, but it was honestly the best new year's I've ever had, and since I'm one for signs and significance in useless, tiny things, that bodes really well for my 2009. Hooray!
I'm not big on resolutions, or at least I've never been...I don't remember if I had any last year, and the only one I really remember is from 2000: "have someone to kiss on New Year's Eve next year." While I technically 'had' someone, I didn't kiss anyone that night...but no biggie, because it made this year's even more special. :) Anyway, I thought that it would be good to write out my resolutions for this year so I can keep track, and then at the end of the year just see how I did.
1. Lose weight, and keep it off. I'm a small person, so even a 5 pound weight gain looks like a lot on me. I lost a pound last week and my parents flipped and said I looked fantastic. I've had trouble in the past, so I want to do it healthily...or at least, try to. Compulsions are hard to fight, but I'm going to try. So I guess this is a double resolution. Balanced diet, working out regularly, etc.
2. Become more serious about my health. (Again). I used to do regular annual check-ups with my doctor, annual physicals, bi-annual dental visits, annual vision checks, etc. I did that basically until I graduated from law school, which was just this past May. I don't know what happened, but I just...stopped going. I think part of it is that I was studying for the bar, and all my doctors were still in New Jersey, and traveling was just too difficult while studying. On top of that, though I still had health insurance through Cobra after I aged out of my mother's regular insurance, my mother forgot to request dental and vision, so I always had to pay out of pocket for those, and I just didn't have that kind of money. Vision wouldn't be that big a deal since I could go to Wal-Mart or something for a cheap exam, but the only thing is that I have significantly problematic eyes. There is only one company in the nation that makes contacts strong enough for my eyes, and they are roughly $400/pair - and it's extremely unhealthy to wear only one pair for a full year, so I have to get at least 2 pairs. On top of that, I've had various eye problems that regulat optometrists never catch, so I just don't waste my time anymore. You get what you pay for, at least with vision care, and I'm not going to waste $20 on a visit that will get me nothing but a few more weeks until the problem gets even worse and forces me to go to an opthamologist. And those are expensive, let me tell you! But now that I have full, across-the-board insurance again, I need to start getting serious again about my medical health. :)
3. Make significant strides towards becoming debt-free. At 25, I have a net worth of negative $170,000, give or take a few thousand. Yeah, $150,000 of that is from student loans, but I need to get the rest under control now. Ideally, I'd like to have my two smallest credit cards paid off in full by the end of the year, but realistically I want one done, with good efforts towards the other one. Once my job switch takes effect in September, I know it's going to be much, much easier.
4. Save save save for the wedding. We've decided on June 19, 2010, so we have a ways to go, but weddings are expensive and we'll never have the wedding we want without saving for it.
5. Appreciate those special people in my life more actively. I appreciate them every day, but I don't know that they know it, so I want to make sure that they know how special they are to me, and how much it means to me that I have them in my life.
6. Balance my schedule. I've always been good at this, but with working full time it's become more difficult to fit 'me' time in to time with my fiancee, my friends, my family. Ideally I'd like to have 'me' time at least once a week; realistically, I think I can only fit it in once a month (because I don't do just 20 minutes here, 20 minutes there; it's all out for me!). But hey, I'll take it!
7. Blog at least once a week! I want to really make an effort to make this a regular thing. I definitely think it'll be helpful for sorting my thoughts out, keeping my sanity, etc....and for even getting to know some of you lovely bloggers out there!
So, I think that's it. I don't think I have any lofty goals, so it should be really easy to reach them all.
I hope you all had a wonderful New Year's Eve, whatever you did, and I wish you all the best for a great 2009!
Lowlights of the night: two bathrooms in the entire place, and one clogging (and the light in that room going out) halfway through the evening, leading to a 45 minute wait on a line that I'd only gotten on to get away from this weird girl that kept following me trying to get me to get her free drinks with my open bar wristband; missing the sparklers that apparently came out after we left!; breaking down once we got home because my parents aren't supportive of anything that actually makes me happy.
Highlights of the night: first new year's kiss; fantastic company; delicious drinks; happiness and laughter galore; amazing shoes; being able to get a cab right away afterwards; having my love be there for me to just listen while I broke down, and then pick up the pieces afterwards. :)
There might 'more' lowlights, but it was honestly the best new year's I've ever had, and since I'm one for signs and significance in useless, tiny things, that bodes really well for my 2009. Hooray!
I'm not big on resolutions, or at least I've never been...I don't remember if I had any last year, and the only one I really remember is from 2000: "have someone to kiss on New Year's Eve next year." While I technically 'had' someone, I didn't kiss anyone that night...but no biggie, because it made this year's even more special. :) Anyway, I thought that it would be good to write out my resolutions for this year so I can keep track, and then at the end of the year just see how I did.
1. Lose weight, and keep it off. I'm a small person, so even a 5 pound weight gain looks like a lot on me. I lost a pound last week and my parents flipped and said I looked fantastic. I've had trouble in the past, so I want to do it healthily...or at least, try to. Compulsions are hard to fight, but I'm going to try. So I guess this is a double resolution. Balanced diet, working out regularly, etc.
2. Become more serious about my health. (Again). I used to do regular annual check-ups with my doctor, annual physicals, bi-annual dental visits, annual vision checks, etc. I did that basically until I graduated from law school, which was just this past May. I don't know what happened, but I just...stopped going. I think part of it is that I was studying for the bar, and all my doctors were still in New Jersey, and traveling was just too difficult while studying. On top of that, though I still had health insurance through Cobra after I aged out of my mother's regular insurance, my mother forgot to request dental and vision, so I always had to pay out of pocket for those, and I just didn't have that kind of money. Vision wouldn't be that big a deal since I could go to Wal-Mart or something for a cheap exam, but the only thing is that I have significantly problematic eyes. There is only one company in the nation that makes contacts strong enough for my eyes, and they are roughly $400/pair - and it's extremely unhealthy to wear only one pair for a full year, so I have to get at least 2 pairs. On top of that, I've had various eye problems that regulat optometrists never catch, so I just don't waste my time anymore. You get what you pay for, at least with vision care, and I'm not going to waste $20 on a visit that will get me nothing but a few more weeks until the problem gets even worse and forces me to go to an opthamologist. And those are expensive, let me tell you! But now that I have full, across-the-board insurance again, I need to start getting serious again about my medical health. :)
3. Make significant strides towards becoming debt-free. At 25, I have a net worth of negative $170,000, give or take a few thousand. Yeah, $150,000 of that is from student loans, but I need to get the rest under control now. Ideally, I'd like to have my two smallest credit cards paid off in full by the end of the year, but realistically I want one done, with good efforts towards the other one. Once my job switch takes effect in September, I know it's going to be much, much easier.
4. Save save save for the wedding. We've decided on June 19, 2010, so we have a ways to go, but weddings are expensive and we'll never have the wedding we want without saving for it.
5. Appreciate those special people in my life more actively. I appreciate them every day, but I don't know that they know it, so I want to make sure that they know how special they are to me, and how much it means to me that I have them in my life.
6. Balance my schedule. I've always been good at this, but with working full time it's become more difficult to fit 'me' time in to time with my fiancee, my friends, my family. Ideally I'd like to have 'me' time at least once a week; realistically, I think I can only fit it in once a month (because I don't do just 20 minutes here, 20 minutes there; it's all out for me!). But hey, I'll take it!
7. Blog at least once a week! I want to really make an effort to make this a regular thing. I definitely think it'll be helpful for sorting my thoughts out, keeping my sanity, etc....and for even getting to know some of you lovely bloggers out there!
So, I think that's it. I don't think I have any lofty goals, so it should be really easy to reach them all.
I hope you all had a wonderful New Year's Eve, whatever you did, and I wish you all the best for a great 2009!
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