Work is starting to wind down now; we counted, and not including weekends we only have 11 days left. It's strange how quickly the term went by. I know it's only a year, but I feel like I came in for my interview just yesterday (even though technically at this point, it was almost 2 years ago), and like I still have the whole year ahead of me. I'm so incredibly lucky to have had this opportunity; not only have I been treated like an equal by one of the greatest legal minds in this country, but I've been treated like a friend, a daughter. The environment he fosters in this office is nothing short of incredible.
I don't want it to end. I know every clerk in my position has said this before. But I've been saying how much I loved this job since day 2 (day 1 was orientation, after all), and I just learned yesterday that apparently people generally don't get to that point until 2-3 months in.
Sometimes I turn work in and I wonder, "How did I even get this clerkship?" I mean, really. The country's best and brightest compete for one of these 3 positions, and here I am. I don't know how I got here. I worked hard in law school, I know that. I worked hard at all my other jobs. I worked hard on honing my legal writing skills (because, as a liberal arts undergrad, the writing was SUBSTANTIALLY different). I worked hard at every position I was honored with. I guess it paid off.
Each day I've been here I've counted my lucky stars. Not only have I actually LEARNED (and I didn't realize that until last night, when I was trying to distract myself and the only thing that truly distracted me was going through the four sub-parts of the best-interests-of-the-child standard, going through the Appellate review standards, de novo standards, standards for allowing a municipality to 'hinder' free speech, etc), but I've made friends here. Never in my life will I find another job where I can be so open about my opinions; where I can just blurt out the first thing that comes to mind and know that they won't judge me, that they'll probably laugh, agree, and then blurt out something equally as ridiculous.
I just can't believe how lucky I've been. Well played, universe. Thank you.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
On Marriage
The amazing KylaRoma posted some really beautiful words that were read at her marriage ceremony; because they really epitomize everything I've felt about marriage but have never been able to articulate, I really wanted to memorialize them here, so not only can I spread the amazing message of love she's sending, but also so I can remember them myself. :)
"Because you will be safe in marriage, you can risk; because you have been promised a future, you can take extraordinary chances. Because you know you are loved, you can step beyond your fears; because you have been chosen, you can transcend your insecurities. You can make mistakes, knowing the other will be there to catch you. And because mistakes and risks are the very essence of change, of expansion, in marriage you will expand to your fullest capacity. Within the shelter of marriage, you will continue to grow and develop, so you can discover your individual paths and offer your gifts back to each other and the world. Marriage, then, makes you free-to see, to be seen, to love."
"Because you will be safe in marriage, you can risk; because you have been promised a future, you can take extraordinary chances. Because you know you are loved, you can step beyond your fears; because you have been chosen, you can transcend your insecurities. You can make mistakes, knowing the other will be there to catch you. And because mistakes and risks are the very essence of change, of expansion, in marriage you will expand to your fullest capacity. Within the shelter of marriage, you will continue to grow and develop, so you can discover your individual paths and offer your gifts back to each other and the world. Marriage, then, makes you free-to see, to be seen, to love."
Monday, July 20, 2009
You Can't Always Get What You Want
I know this is going to come off as selfish, so I want to preface it by saying that I'm really NOT being ungrateful or selfish. I'm just...wistful and wish my experience in life could be similar to what I see so often.
I don't expect my wedding/engagement experience to be 'traditional' in the sense of American weddings and engagements. I'm sure I'll have a shower, because my maid of honor/best friend is amazing like that, and she's from a family that's from here so she knows what happens in American weddings. But...I don't know that anyone will come. And it's not even about gifts, it's more about having family there with me, celebrating, being excited that I'm getting married. It's not so much that they don't care about me, it's just that it's not done that way in the Dominican Republic, and so I don't know that I'll get what I see friends and acquaintances getting. And...I guess I'm just sad.
I grew up here, so I see people having engagement parties, and tons of showers, and registering for gifts, and I just...don't see that in my future. I'd LOVE to have an engagement party, but it's not like I can throw one myself, and since neither of our families are from here, neither of them have that as part of their traditions, so neither would think to give us one. So when I see people posting pictures of their fabulous fun engagement parties, I get a little...sad that I won't have that.
And when hearing about how much fun other girls are having making their registries with their future husbands, I start feeling a little jealous because when I discussed it with my fiance, he didn't really understand why we would have one, because it's not like anyone in his family would even look at it (because that's not what they do in his family), and my family's poor so they can't afford it either. Not that I need or want gifts, but it just seems like making the registry is an experience that so many people love, and I just...want that experience.
I know that seems selfish. I'll take what I can get, obviously, and not being able to have all these frills doesn't change the fact that I'm thrilled to be engaged and I'm thrilled to be getting married. It's just that it really highlights my sense of feeling 'in between' - caught in the middle of old world and new world. I grew up in a world where all these things are done - engagement parties, showers with lots of games and fun and decorations and cakes, registries - but my family grew up in a world where it's not.
I'm all jumbled up. I'm really not very articulate at all, and I'm having a hard time trying to get my point across - that it's not that I want THINGS, I just want EXPERIENCES that everyone else I grew up with gets, but that I won't get because it's not traditional in my culture. So while planning my wedding is really fun so far, it's sort of tinted with a little bit of jealousy for all the additional things I won't get to experience. If I got to experience traditions FROM my culture I think I'd be less jealous, but I won't even get that, because my family's traditionalism ends at "No sex before marriage, no sharing a bed before marriage, ask father's permission for daughter's hand in marriage." Any traditions I want, I'm going to have to learn about on my own using the internet, because they never taught me about anything, and I'm going to have to sort of...wing it. So there's just no trade off.
But that's life. I just have to suck it up and forget about those things. I have to focus on my love for Ross, and how amazing marrying him is going to be, and the other little things that I'll get to enjoy, like getting a beautiful dress and finding a church.
I don't expect my wedding/engagement experience to be 'traditional' in the sense of American weddings and engagements. I'm sure I'll have a shower, because my maid of honor/best friend is amazing like that, and she's from a family that's from here so she knows what happens in American weddings. But...I don't know that anyone will come. And it's not even about gifts, it's more about having family there with me, celebrating, being excited that I'm getting married. It's not so much that they don't care about me, it's just that it's not done that way in the Dominican Republic, and so I don't know that I'll get what I see friends and acquaintances getting. And...I guess I'm just sad.
I grew up here, so I see people having engagement parties, and tons of showers, and registering for gifts, and I just...don't see that in my future. I'd LOVE to have an engagement party, but it's not like I can throw one myself, and since neither of our families are from here, neither of them have that as part of their traditions, so neither would think to give us one. So when I see people posting pictures of their fabulous fun engagement parties, I get a little...sad that I won't have that.
And when hearing about how much fun other girls are having making their registries with their future husbands, I start feeling a little jealous because when I discussed it with my fiance, he didn't really understand why we would have one, because it's not like anyone in his family would even look at it (because that's not what they do in his family), and my family's poor so they can't afford it either. Not that I need or want gifts, but it just seems like making the registry is an experience that so many people love, and I just...want that experience.
I know that seems selfish. I'll take what I can get, obviously, and not being able to have all these frills doesn't change the fact that I'm thrilled to be engaged and I'm thrilled to be getting married. It's just that it really highlights my sense of feeling 'in between' - caught in the middle of old world and new world. I grew up in a world where all these things are done - engagement parties, showers with lots of games and fun and decorations and cakes, registries - but my family grew up in a world where it's not.
I'm all jumbled up. I'm really not very articulate at all, and I'm having a hard time trying to get my point across - that it's not that I want THINGS, I just want EXPERIENCES that everyone else I grew up with gets, but that I won't get because it's not traditional in my culture. So while planning my wedding is really fun so far, it's sort of tinted with a little bit of jealousy for all the additional things I won't get to experience. If I got to experience traditions FROM my culture I think I'd be less jealous, but I won't even get that, because my family's traditionalism ends at "No sex before marriage, no sharing a bed before marriage, ask father's permission for daughter's hand in marriage." Any traditions I want, I'm going to have to learn about on my own using the internet, because they never taught me about anything, and I'm going to have to sort of...wing it. So there's just no trade off.
But that's life. I just have to suck it up and forget about those things. I have to focus on my love for Ross, and how amazing marrying him is going to be, and the other little things that I'll get to enjoy, like getting a beautiful dress and finding a church.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Restless Soul Syndrome
I'm restless. I want to do so many things, but I'm sort of in this in-between phase where I'm waiting waiting waiting to be able to do it. I want to go to Greece, but I can't go until my honeymoon next June because I won't be able to afford it till then. I want to bake bake bake to my heart's content, but I can't afford it until I start at the firm in October. I want to buy a good camera and finally start learning about photography, but I DEFINITELY can't afford that at least until October.
I want to fast-forward and be at our wedding, exchanging our vows. I want to fast-forward after that and send my final law school loan payment and be free. I want to fast-forward past that and finally have my own children's bookstore and bakery.
Ahhh! It's like I'm just waiting until I have more money to do the things I want to do! It sucks! So it makes me restless, because I know I WILL be able to do those things one day...but it just seems so far in the future that it's frustrating. I'm impatient.
Last night I was this huge bundle of energy, possibly because I decided to take a day off from working out to give my poor muscles a break. But I was just...wriggling around on the couch, I couldn't sit still, all I could do was ramble and ramble and ramble while Ross, like a saint, smiled and nodded and tolerated my insanity to a crazy degree. I'm blessed to have someone as patient as him. So, hooray for that!
But OMG I just want to...explode!
When I used to get like this I'd run at night, because running late at night calmed me. But there's no WAY I can run at night around here; Philadelphia at night, especially around Temple where I'm living now, with a bunch of abandoned storefronts and the potential for scary drug dealers on the next block over? No thanks. My building's gym closes at 11 each night, and a run isn't calming for me unless it's exceptionally late...like 2 or 3am.
Oh well. This too shall pass.
I want to fast-forward and be at our wedding, exchanging our vows. I want to fast-forward after that and send my final law school loan payment and be free. I want to fast-forward past that and finally have my own children's bookstore and bakery.
Ahhh! It's like I'm just waiting until I have more money to do the things I want to do! It sucks! So it makes me restless, because I know I WILL be able to do those things one day...but it just seems so far in the future that it's frustrating. I'm impatient.
Last night I was this huge bundle of energy, possibly because I decided to take a day off from working out to give my poor muscles a break. But I was just...wriggling around on the couch, I couldn't sit still, all I could do was ramble and ramble and ramble while Ross, like a saint, smiled and nodded and tolerated my insanity to a crazy degree. I'm blessed to have someone as patient as him. So, hooray for that!
But OMG I just want to...explode!
When I used to get like this I'd run at night, because running late at night calmed me. But there's no WAY I can run at night around here; Philadelphia at night, especially around Temple where I'm living now, with a bunch of abandoned storefronts and the potential for scary drug dealers on the next block over? No thanks. My building's gym closes at 11 each night, and a run isn't calming for me unless it's exceptionally late...like 2 or 3am.
Oh well. This too shall pass.
Monday, July 13, 2009
I think I can I think I can
So I've started doing Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. Though I hate hate HATE some of the stuff she makes me do (jump rope..it kills my shins!!!! and the squat with a front raise...hurts!!!), I push through and am managing to finish it each time. I like that it's only 20 minutes long; even though it's shorter than my usual gym workouts, it makes me work harder and sweat more than when I go to the gym, so I foresee positive results. At least, I hope so. I think I'm going to try to do it twice a day if I can, to up the results.
I guess I'm just not really sure what works anymore. I started regular exercise again one week, and wasn't losing weight, so a week later I started eating well, making healthy changes in my diet, etc. The problem is that the day I started eating healthily and in good moderation actually marks the day where I started getting bloated and gaining weight. I don't even know how it's possible; at first I thought it was muscle gain, but then it kept happening slowly and steadily, and now I'm up 4 pounds from when I first started exercising, and my measurements have gone up.
So, it's stressful. I'm trying really hard to just keep my head down and push through this, because eventually, EVENTUALLY doing all this exercising and staying away from processed, refined sugars, drinking lots of water, and sticking to fresh fruits and vegetables and lean proteins and whole grains HAS to do something positive, right? In the past if I don't haven't seen results by this time, I usually stop and fall into a depression and have no idea what to do. This time, I'm focusing on just...getting through it. It's hard to not throw myself out the window, or to just fall on the floor crying every time I step on the scale. It's hard making myself pull my gym clothes on and actually working out. It's hard making myself eat.
But I have faith in myself. I can do this, the right way, the healthy way. I WILL do this.
I guess I'm just not really sure what works anymore. I started regular exercise again one week, and wasn't losing weight, so a week later I started eating well, making healthy changes in my diet, etc. The problem is that the day I started eating healthily and in good moderation actually marks the day where I started getting bloated and gaining weight. I don't even know how it's possible; at first I thought it was muscle gain, but then it kept happening slowly and steadily, and now I'm up 4 pounds from when I first started exercising, and my measurements have gone up.
So, it's stressful. I'm trying really hard to just keep my head down and push through this, because eventually, EVENTUALLY doing all this exercising and staying away from processed, refined sugars, drinking lots of water, and sticking to fresh fruits and vegetables and lean proteins and whole grains HAS to do something positive, right? In the past if I don't haven't seen results by this time, I usually stop and fall into a depression and have no idea what to do. This time, I'm focusing on just...getting through it. It's hard to not throw myself out the window, or to just fall on the floor crying every time I step on the scale. It's hard making myself pull my gym clothes on and actually working out. It's hard making myself eat.
But I have faith in myself. I can do this, the right way, the healthy way. I WILL do this.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Return
I'm back. Well, hopefully, anyway. I've been gone for what...2 months? I don't know. I haven't had anything to say. Life has been...amazing. It's strange how cutting out something you thought was so important can make life so much better. I never doubt myself when proposing plans anymore; I've grown more confident in myself and the validity of my thoughts and opinions, which is wonderful. My relationship with my fiance is growing stronger, as is my relationship with my father, and my best friends. I've even started a fitness plan and am STICKING to it! Today marks week 3, and I'm still going strong! So, everything is going swimmingly.
Fourth of July weekend was amazing. R got me sparklers on Thursday, which is amazing because I wanted them so badly and he had no idea, and he just came home from work with them. <3 And then my best friend came over, and we all hung out on the pool deck of my building, which was amazing. Good friends, good drinks, a balmy summer night, sparklers = a recipe for the best night ever. The only way it could have been better is if there had been fireflies.
The rest of the weekend was filled with walking around the city, enjoying Fairmount Park at dusk, sitting on the grass and eating, just loving each other. I love it. It's incredible how amazing my life is. We went to Fairmount Park and walked along Boathouse Row, which was gorgeous with the sun setting in the background; on the Fourth, we went to the Welcome America street fair along the Ben Franklin Parkway, and gorged on delicious carnival food while sitting in the shade of enormous trees and watching dogs walk by. We went and had summer drinks at Tir Na Nog (HIGHLY recommend the Bull Frog!), and walked around the city some more. And then we were able to see both Camden's AND Philadelphia's fireworks shows from our roof. It was...beautiful. All of it.
But I feel like I kind of have a shadow hanging over me. It's this melancholy that keeps creeping up on me for something like the last week. I'm self-aware enough to recognize what it means, somewhat, but in other ways, I really have no idea what it's getting at. My life is without a doubt the best it's been, ever, and I find myself feeling happier, lighter, more effervescent and filled with joy and light than I ever have in my life. But then, at night, when everything turns off and it's dark and I'm laying in bed, the darkness creeps in and brings me down. It's like I felt the summer and fall of my 3L year; as if I'm not ok unless the sun is out. As if I don't believe the sun will come up again.
But why? I'm doing so well; eating every day, exercising 6 days a week, so there shouldn't be an imbalance. But it feels the same. Maybe it's that I'm fighting with myself to be healthy, and that in itself causes an imbalance. Maybe it's that I don't believe that I deserve such happiness, and I'm just waiting for the shoe to drop. Because right now, I can't imagine how it can get better - and I've never, ever been able to say that before.
Am I scared? I don't know.
Fourth of July weekend was amazing. R got me sparklers on Thursday, which is amazing because I wanted them so badly and he had no idea, and he just came home from work with them. <3 And then my best friend came over, and we all hung out on the pool deck of my building, which was amazing. Good friends, good drinks, a balmy summer night, sparklers = a recipe for the best night ever. The only way it could have been better is if there had been fireflies.
The rest of the weekend was filled with walking around the city, enjoying Fairmount Park at dusk, sitting on the grass and eating, just loving each other. I love it. It's incredible how amazing my life is. We went to Fairmount Park and walked along Boathouse Row, which was gorgeous with the sun setting in the background; on the Fourth, we went to the Welcome America street fair along the Ben Franklin Parkway, and gorged on delicious carnival food while sitting in the shade of enormous trees and watching dogs walk by. We went and had summer drinks at Tir Na Nog (HIGHLY recommend the Bull Frog!), and walked around the city some more. And then we were able to see both Camden's AND Philadelphia's fireworks shows from our roof. It was...beautiful. All of it.
But I feel like I kind of have a shadow hanging over me. It's this melancholy that keeps creeping up on me for something like the last week. I'm self-aware enough to recognize what it means, somewhat, but in other ways, I really have no idea what it's getting at. My life is without a doubt the best it's been, ever, and I find myself feeling happier, lighter, more effervescent and filled with joy and light than I ever have in my life. But then, at night, when everything turns off and it's dark and I'm laying in bed, the darkness creeps in and brings me down. It's like I felt the summer and fall of my 3L year; as if I'm not ok unless the sun is out. As if I don't believe the sun will come up again.
But why? I'm doing so well; eating every day, exercising 6 days a week, so there shouldn't be an imbalance. But it feels the same. Maybe it's that I'm fighting with myself to be healthy, and that in itself causes an imbalance. Maybe it's that I don't believe that I deserve such happiness, and I'm just waiting for the shoe to drop. Because right now, I can't imagine how it can get better - and I've never, ever been able to say that before.
Am I scared? I don't know.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Question existing
I was reading the forums over at 20-Something Bloggers and came across a thread where people talk about what they hate about blogs, and it made me start wondering about MY blog - not in the sense that I'm offended or upset or anything, just in the sense of "who am I?" So I guess it was helpful in a way.
A few things they said they hated: long posts, posts about weight loss, posts about relationships, sad posts, happy posts, things that are too personal or not personal enough, posts that are insincere, etc.
Things my blog is so far: long posts, posts about weight loss, posts about relationships, ranty posts, happy posts.
I'm not sure if I'm too personal or not personal enough. I don't really know how to strike the right balance, and I don't really know if the real 'me' comes across through this. I know I'm long-winded, and I tend to get off track, and my point gets lost along the way. Maybe it's because I write TOO much? I don't really know.
I do know what I WANT to be: funny, inspiring, touching, someone people can relate to, articulate. I don't know if I can be those things; I can be ME, but I don't know how that comes across to people. At the same time, this blog is primarily for me, so does it matter how it comes across to others? Yes and no, in that it's for me, but I also sort of want to build a community. Not a big community, I just want friends. I've come across some awesome people out there - not a ton, because I don't prowl the blog world for new blogs to read - but they're people whom I feel like I've gotten to know, even if we don't talk, and it would be awesome if I could get on their radar and we could become bloggy friends. Not for comments, because I don't really care about that (I mean, yes, it's exciting when I get them), but just for...I don't know, a connection! Does that make sense?
This has gotten long again. Oh, silly me. Well, here's to being me, at least. I'm not trying to hide myself or who I am; I guess I'm just trying to figure out WHO I am while trying to find my blogging voice.
A few things they said they hated: long posts, posts about weight loss, posts about relationships, sad posts, happy posts, things that are too personal or not personal enough, posts that are insincere, etc.
Things my blog is so far: long posts, posts about weight loss, posts about relationships, ranty posts, happy posts.
I'm not sure if I'm too personal or not personal enough. I don't really know how to strike the right balance, and I don't really know if the real 'me' comes across through this. I know I'm long-winded, and I tend to get off track, and my point gets lost along the way. Maybe it's because I write TOO much? I don't really know.
I do know what I WANT to be: funny, inspiring, touching, someone people can relate to, articulate. I don't know if I can be those things; I can be ME, but I don't know how that comes across to people. At the same time, this blog is primarily for me, so does it matter how it comes across to others? Yes and no, in that it's for me, but I also sort of want to build a community. Not a big community, I just want friends. I've come across some awesome people out there - not a ton, because I don't prowl the blog world for new blogs to read - but they're people whom I feel like I've gotten to know, even if we don't talk, and it would be awesome if I could get on their radar and we could become bloggy friends. Not for comments, because I don't really care about that (I mean, yes, it's exciting when I get them), but just for...I don't know, a connection! Does that make sense?
This has gotten long again. Oh, silly me. Well, here's to being me, at least. I'm not trying to hide myself or who I am; I guess I'm just trying to figure out WHO I am while trying to find my blogging voice.
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