Return

I'm back. Well, hopefully, anyway. I've been gone for what...2 months? I don't know. I haven't had anything to say. Life has been...amazing. It's strange how cutting out something you thought was so important can make life so much better. I never doubt myself when proposing plans anymore; I've grown more confident in myself and the validity of my thoughts and opinions, which is wonderful. My relationship with my fiance is growing stronger, as is my relationship with my father, and my best friends. I've even started a fitness plan and am STICKING to it! Today marks week 3, and I'm still going strong! So, everything is going swimmingly.

Fourth of July weekend was amazing. R got me sparklers on Thursday, which is amazing because I wanted them so badly and he had no idea, and he just came home from work with them. <3 And then my best friend came over, and we all hung out on the pool deck of my building, which was amazing. Good friends, good drinks, a balmy summer night, sparklers = a recipe for the best night ever. The only way it could have been better is if there had been fireflies.

The rest of the weekend was filled with walking around the city, enjoying Fairmount Park at dusk, sitting on the grass and eating, just loving each other. I love it. It's incredible how amazing my life is. We went to Fairmount Park and walked along Boathouse Row, which was gorgeous with the sun setting in the background; on the Fourth, we went to the Welcome America street fair along the Ben Franklin Parkway, and gorged on delicious carnival food while sitting in the shade of enormous trees and watching dogs walk by. We went and had summer drinks at Tir Na Nog (HIGHLY recommend the Bull Frog!), and walked around the city some more. And then we were able to see both Camden's AND Philadelphia's fireworks shows from our roof. It was...beautiful. All of it.

But I feel like I kind of have a shadow hanging over me. It's this melancholy that keeps creeping up on me for something like the last week. I'm self-aware enough to recognize what it means, somewhat, but in other ways, I really have no idea what it's getting at. My life is without a doubt the best it's been, ever, and I find myself feeling happier, lighter, more effervescent and filled with joy and light than I ever have in my life. But then, at night, when everything turns off and it's dark and I'm laying in bed, the darkness creeps in and brings me down. It's like I felt the summer and fall of my 3L year; as if I'm not ok unless the sun is out. As if I don't believe the sun will come up again.

But why? I'm doing so well; eating every day, exercising 6 days a week, so there shouldn't be an imbalance. But it feels the same. Maybe it's that I'm fighting with myself to be healthy, and that in itself causes an imbalance. Maybe it's that I don't believe that I deserve such happiness, and I'm just waiting for the shoe to drop. Because right now, I can't imagine how it can get better - and I've never, ever been able to say that before.

Am I scared? I don't know.