I'm slowly giving in to the feeling of being wildly out of control of my own life. I'm starting to believe that contacting him was not the cause of this insanity, but rather symptomatic of it. The reversion I'm suffering from just ultimately took me back to him, which shows how far I've reverted. Ugh, I'm losing my mind and I have no idea what to do about it. I'd like to go back to work and have no time to think, because that's always easiest. I can even deal with being too tired to work out so long as that's coupled with being too tired to think.

I miss him, and I want to see him, but at the same time I really don't because I'm afraid of what will happen if I do. If he touches me, I'll melt, and what if he wants more and I can't say no? I'm so mentally exhausted that I don't know if I could have the willpower to say no. Further, I'm afraid to see him because I'm slightly afraid of him, which scares me in and of itself because I've never been afraid of someone, ever in my life. The little things he says, like "Right answer, babe" and "I wouldn't let you look bad if you were with me" terrify me. I don't know if he's become more controlling as we've gotten older, or if he's always been like that and I just never realized it, but nevertheless it frightens me. I'm not sure what to do, because...will he just leave me alone if I don't call him? I'm afraid not to answer, because what if he has my address? He said he used to read my journal, and check my profile, and the address was there for a while, so maybe he knows. I'm so ashamed to say I'm afraid. I'm never afraid. Of course I'm afraid of having to fight, because who wants to do that, but I've never been afraid of a man I know, afraid of being manipulated, afraid of being controlled. I like control, but only when it's my own. I control my life, not anyone else. He can't control me, but I can already see that he might try. I'm strong-willed and I think I can survive this and get him out of my life again, but...I'm afraid I've grown weak over the last couple of years. Yeah, I fought off Brandon, and yeah, I'm manipulative and can stave people off like I did that drunk guy on the way to Temple a couple of weeks ago, but Rooney is an entirely different story. I'm mentally weak when it comes to him, and he's so much bigger than me that I don't know if any amount of adrenaline would help. I need him out, gone, forever. I can't do this to myself. Yeah, having him in my life is tremendous motivation to get my body back to where it was, but...I don't know. I don't know, I don't know I don't know. I want to cry. I want to scream and throw up and kick the walls in and scream and bash my head into the wall until I pass out, so I don't have to think or be afraid anymore.

I give up.