Return

I'm back. Well, hopefully, anyway. I've been gone for what...2 months? I don't know. I haven't had anything to say. Life has been...amazing. It's strange how cutting out something you thought was so important can make life so much better. I never doubt myself when proposing plans anymore; I've grown more confident in myself and the validity of my thoughts and opinions, which is wonderful. My relationship with my fiance is growing stronger, as is my relationship with my father, and my best friends. I've even started a fitness plan and am STICKING to it! Today marks week 3, and I'm still going strong! So, everything is going swimmingly.

Fourth of July weekend was amazing. R got me sparklers on Thursday, which is amazing because I wanted them so badly and he had no idea, and he just came home from work with them. <3 And then my best friend came over, and we all hung out on the pool deck of my building, which was amazing. Good friends, good drinks, a balmy summer night, sparklers = a recipe for the best night ever. The only way it could have been better is if there had been fireflies.

The rest of the weekend was filled with walking around the city, enjoying Fairmount Park at dusk, sitting on the grass and eating, just loving each other. I love it. It's incredible how amazing my life is. We went to Fairmount Park and walked along Boathouse Row, which was gorgeous with the sun setting in the background; on the Fourth, we went to the Welcome America street fair along the Ben Franklin Parkway, and gorged on delicious carnival food while sitting in the shade of enormous trees and watching dogs walk by. We went and had summer drinks at Tir Na Nog (HIGHLY recommend the Bull Frog!), and walked around the city some more. And then we were able to see both Camden's AND Philadelphia's fireworks shows from our roof. It was...beautiful. All of it.

But I feel like I kind of have a shadow hanging over me. It's this melancholy that keeps creeping up on me for something like the last week. I'm self-aware enough to recognize what it means, somewhat, but in other ways, I really have no idea what it's getting at. My life is without a doubt the best it's been, ever, and I find myself feeling happier, lighter, more effervescent and filled with joy and light than I ever have in my life. But then, at night, when everything turns off and it's dark and I'm laying in bed, the darkness creeps in and brings me down. It's like I felt the summer and fall of my 3L year; as if I'm not ok unless the sun is out. As if I don't believe the sun will come up again.

But why? I'm doing so well; eating every day, exercising 6 days a week, so there shouldn't be an imbalance. But it feels the same. Maybe it's that I'm fighting with myself to be healthy, and that in itself causes an imbalance. Maybe it's that I don't believe that I deserve such happiness, and I'm just waiting for the shoe to drop. Because right now, I can't imagine how it can get better - and I've never, ever been able to say that before.

Am I scared? I don't know.

Conflict

He dropped the tidbit of information that says he's breaking up with her last night. Even though he's said things before like this, I didn't actually believe him. We were sitting in the diner, and I have no idea how it came up, but he said that a few days ago he 'dropped the bomb' that he didn't think things were working out. She asked him to think about it until he got home...so there we have it. He's...actually going to break up with her. When I was leaving and I said that I was sorry that his relationship was over, he said, "Yeah...well....it's time to move on."

I...am very conflicted. He was silly yesterday...goofy. We had fun. I liked the way he looked at me. I liked sitting in the backseat with him on the way to the diner, and just driving around afterwards. I like that he got out of the car with me to go down to the creek, even if we didn't go down there. I like that he really wants to go to the D.R., and that he seemingly wants to share a bed with me. Oh...oh...I don't know. I'm confused. I should probably ignore this. I should just move on. Now he'll be single, and if I allow myself to continue to hope more than I did before, I'll just set myself up for heartbreak when it doesn't happen...because why would it? We're just friends. Why would he want anything from me when he has a friend he's already talking to back home? I can't allow myself to hope. It just won't work out.

In other news, the plan for today is no food. Maybe cherries if I feel faint, but why would I feel faint? It's too soon for that. I know it's bad for me, but here it is: I'm desperate. Moderation doesn't work. Health doesn't work. It's over now. I need a new focus...he can't be my only focus. So this is it.

Fairy lights and fireworks

First post, on the anniversary of the first day after independence. I'm probably trying to be more...touching, whatever, than I really am. I don't know. I like searching for importance and symbolism in little things. It distracts me from reality, I guess.

Last night was...lovely. I don't know. I wish I had all the answers, or I wish that...I wish that the god I talk to could talk back and tell me all the answers. Sitting on the back porch at twilight with the fireflies glowing in the backyard, the white christmas lights glowing along the edge of the overhand, and then walking along the grass barefoot to the park to watch the fireworks, alone with him, felt perfect. There are too many perfect moments with him. If he was the other, there would be no such thing as too many perfect moments, but...he has her. I have the other. We're...friends. Slowly, he's becoming my best friend and I don't know how I feel about that. Of course, I'm excited and I love it, but at the same time I recognize that it will only make it more difficult to get over him.

He confuses me. He hates fireworks, has seen them too many times, didn't want to go, and I was perfectly willing to sit with him while the others went...but when he saw my face light up as I watched through the trees, it was his idea to walk to the park. Was it because he didn't want to be alone with me, or did he want to make me happy? He does a lot to make me happy, or so it seems. Maybe I just read things into it that aren't really there, but sometimes I wonder...am I? The way he speaks to me sometimes...or the way he'll do little things for me randomly that he won't do for others even when asked...I don't understand. It makes it difficult.

I love summer with him. I haven't loved summer with anyone since R, and even then there was nothing so...perfect. This summer has been so perfect already, and it's only the first week of July. I don't want him to leave, even if it's just for three weeks. I don't want to stop working with him, even if it's for two. I never want to leave his side. I always want to be on an island in the middle of a lake, sitting on a bench side by side under a weeping willow, watching the lily pads float around the lake and talking quietly, forever. Was it a dream?

Right now, it feels like my life is a ridiculously long novel sprinkled with perfect little passages and perfect chapters and perfect...everything, but all I'm dying to do is get to the end. I'm enjoying this so much, but all it does is make me question what's going to happen. I know I sound idiotic. I wish I had a better command of words...it's pathetic, because sometimes my command of language is incredible, and I can produce such breatakingly beautiful things, but when it's something that actually has to do with me, everything disappears. I can't do it anymore. I lose my mind, and it's so frustrating.

Anyway. I guess we'll see what the rest of the summer brings. All through April and May all I could think about how wonderful I thought the summer was going to be, and now that it really is living up to that expectation, I'm nervous. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop...nothing can be this perfect. Can it?