Motivations

I'm 25 now and I'm very different, in a lot of ways, from the person I was at 13, 14, 15, etc. But one of the biggest ways I'm the same is that I still have the same motivation for wanting to lose weigh: I want to be hot!

I lie a lot about my motivations for it, because people tend to look at me like I'm nuts if I say that. I mean, to be honest, I tend to keep weight loss/diet attempts secret from everyone but my fiance anyway, because people tend to tell me I'm crazy and I don't need to lose weight, and then they get mad at me. I would get it if I were scarily skinny, if I already weighed 110 pounds or something...but I don't. I am 5 feet and 1.5 inches tall, and I weight 155 pounds. That is not underweight. That is not even within my 'healthy' range. So why people get angry at me, I have no idea, but I like to avoid it.

Anyway, I digress. My true motivation has always been "I just don't want to be fat." I simply, truly want to be hot and thin. I can be hot, I've BEEN hot. I guess technically I'm 'hot' now, as I have that crazy true hourglass shape and I carry my weight very well (I'm told I have dense bones). But I don't FEEL hot. I want to look good in a bikini, I want to look good in clothes. I know I'll always have difficulties with regular clothes and I'll never be able to just buy something off the rack without trying it on because of the way I'm shaped (small waist, LARGE breasts and hips/butt, and it's like that at all weights), but...I'd still like to feel good about myself. I'd still like to be happy with the way I look in the mirror.

But people don't get why I'm not happy with what I see in the mirror. So...I lie. I tell them the only reason I want to work out and lose weight is to just live a better lifestyle, to be healthy, etc. And sure, I *guess* those are reasons to do it. But honestly, I just. want. to be. hot.

Is that shallow? It has nothing to do with anyone else. It has to do with me, pure and simple. I don't like the way I look, and I intend to change that. I think I'm in a place now where I CAN be happy with the image in the mirror, if I get to the right place. I suspect that place is around 125. When I was 125 I wasn't happy...but I think I've grown enough to know that it was a good weight for me to be at, and hopefully I can get there without having too many problems.

I know this was really all over the place; when I think about weight loss and what I want and why I want it and where I know my mind needs to be, I get all discombobulated and can't really organize my thoughts well.

**In wedding related news, I went to my first bridal show yesterday! It was a little weird, but fun nevertheless! My parents and my fiance went with me, and we actually had a good time. And my bridesmaids, completely unexpectedly, are giving me ideas for the wedding itself, so I'm just so excited to have such great girls standing up with me!!

Pound For Pound Challenge

I've pledged my weight loss to the Pound for Pound Challenge, which is a group that donates 1 pound of food for every pound lost. Since I'm doing this 25 pounds in 20 weeks thing, I might as well pledge my weight! I think it's a really great cause...I love helping people however I can, and this costs NOTHING. I've pledged 6 pounds, because I think the final weigh-in is at 6 weeks from now. I'm excited...not only am I helping myself, but I'm helping others! I hope other people join in, too. :)

In a related note, today's the beginning of Ash's (from Ash is Fit) 20 Pounds in 20 Weeks challenge. It's the first weigh-in, and it totally looks like it's shaping up to be an awesome group. I was hesitant about the group thing at first since I tend to be bad at checking my e-mail at night and on weekends, but it seems like she's going to group is in accordance with our different lifestyles and whatnot, so that's perfect! I'm really excited. :)

You know, I'm going to be brave and post my start weight. It's.....155.6. I know that's not tons for a lot of people, but I'm short, so it's a big deal. On top of that, I have other issues, so...it's an even bigger deal. I'm looking to lose 25 pounds, so that'll put me at 130. Here's looking at 130 in 20 weeks! That'll be at the end of July...right at my birthday! So that'll be a nice birthday present to me.

Ok...that's it, I guess.

Finding Grace, day 7

1. The feeling I get when my pants are falling off because they're too big.
2. Fridays!
3. Beautiful, sunshiney weather.
4. Mini photos of me and my hunny that I can put up on my desk around my computer at work.
5. This is a revisitation, but "Sober" by Pink. GOD I love this song!

Conflict

He dropped the tidbit of information that says he's breaking up with her last night. Even though he's said things before like this, I didn't actually believe him. We were sitting in the diner, and I have no idea how it came up, but he said that a few days ago he 'dropped the bomb' that he didn't think things were working out. She asked him to think about it until he got home...so there we have it. He's...actually going to break up with her. When I was leaving and I said that I was sorry that his relationship was over, he said, "Yeah...well....it's time to move on."

I...am very conflicted. He was silly yesterday...goofy. We had fun. I liked the way he looked at me. I liked sitting in the backseat with him on the way to the diner, and just driving around afterwards. I like that he got out of the car with me to go down to the creek, even if we didn't go down there. I like that he really wants to go to the D.R., and that he seemingly wants to share a bed with me. Oh...oh...I don't know. I'm confused. I should probably ignore this. I should just move on. Now he'll be single, and if I allow myself to continue to hope more than I did before, I'll just set myself up for heartbreak when it doesn't happen...because why would it? We're just friends. Why would he want anything from me when he has a friend he's already talking to back home? I can't allow myself to hope. It just won't work out.

In other news, the plan for today is no food. Maybe cherries if I feel faint, but why would I feel faint? It's too soon for that. I know it's bad for me, but here it is: I'm desperate. Moderation doesn't work. Health doesn't work. It's over now. I need a new focus...he can't be my only focus. So this is it.