1. The feeling I get when my pants are falling off because they're too big.
2. Fridays!
3. Beautiful, sunshiney weather.
4. Mini photos of me and my hunny that I can put up on my desk around my computer at work.
5. This is a revisitation, but "Sober" by Pink. GOD I love this song!
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Finding Grace, 6
Ok, I'm horrible at this! I've been posting ranty things, and not focusing on the good...so here we go again. :)
1. Sugar-free Jolly Ranchers (especially the watermelon ones!)
2. Finally acknowledging that a friendship is over, and the liberating feeling I get after that weight is lifted.
3. Getting to see wedding venues this weekend!
4. New bloggy friends <3
5. The fact that Greece exists, and that I will visit it one day. :)
What's going on in the bloggy world? I really need to get more involved over at 20-something bloggers, so I can meet more people!
1. Sugar-free Jolly Ranchers (especially the watermelon ones!)
2. Finally acknowledging that a friendship is over, and the liberating feeling I get after that weight is lifted.
3. Getting to see wedding venues this weekend!
4. New bloggy friends <3
5. The fact that Greece exists, and that I will visit it one day. :)
What's going on in the bloggy world? I really need to get more involved over at 20-something bloggers, so I can meet more people!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
This is going to be long and childish, most likely. Sorry!
I hate when people lie or exxagerate things to make their cause seem more worthy, or themselves more sympathetic or more like a good person. Like, so much that I wish I could line those people up and punch them in the face, over and over and over again, until each of them fell down. Seriously, the announcer in my head would yell "KNOCK OUT!" and the imaginary crowd would go wild, every single time.
I'm gonna be pretty ranty, so if you don't like rants, I guess...skip this post? LOL. I dunno. So, this girl I've posted about before, the one who treats me badly and hates my fiance for no reason, etc. etc....has apparently been posting about me on the internet in comment threads to articles such as 'what if your friend is marrying mr. wrong?' She's said that she's trying to 'work up the balls' to tell me that if I marry him, she won't be at the wedding, because though he's not physically abusive, he's "controlling, aggressive, and can't take 'no' for an answer." The only thing true there is that he's aggressive...but so what? Some people are aggressive. I'm a pretty hostile person, and she doesn't seem to have a problem with that. In fact, she brags about my aggression and hostility. It changes because he's a man? He and I are exactly alike in that respect, so I don't see the problem. He controls himself well, as do I.
But what really pisses me off is when she goes on to say that there are tons of red flags - guilt-tripping, separating me from friends and family, etc etc. You know...I can say that he's guilty of guilt-tripping me...I'm not going to deny that. But he's done it once...maybe twice, and it's been about stupid stuff, like getting a grey pillow instead of a white pillow. So...what's the problem? And with the separating me from friends and family...doesn't that assumption sort of require that I be SEPARATED from my friends and family? As in...at the VERY least, see them less than I used to? Talk to them less than I used to? I see my friends more now than I used to, talk to my two closest friends every day....see my family as much as much as I used to...so...where's the separation?
Oh, right, I'm not going online at night anymore to talk to her. Of COURSE that means that he's separating me from my friends and family. Of COURSE. Because I don't talk to HER anymore, for 6 hours a night, online, rendering me unable to do anything but sit on my couch and talk to her. I can't watch tv, I can't watch stuff on my computer, I can't listen to music...because every 5 seconds she's sending me a new clip to watch that's just SO EFFING HILARIOUS that I HAVE to watch AT THIS VERY SECOND, and if I don't, she gets all bitter and mad. Of COURSE, the fact that she's treated me like crap for about 4 years now has nothing to do with me not wanting to speak to her anymore. Of COURSE it's HIS fault; I can't possibly legitimately not want to speak to her anymore.
And then, my favorite part about what she wrote is when she says that he screamed at her and threw things at her outside a crowded club.
Um.........what? When exactly did this happen? Because you know, I was there the whole time. He and I were fighting. His attention was focused solely on me; he could have cared less where she was. Yes, the evening sucked because we got into a very public fight; but to lie and say that SHE got involved in it? Um...that's just crossing the line.
I will never deny that my fiance and I have had rough spots. I will never deny that he's made me cry. But you know what? I've made him cry too. I will not say he's perfect, because he's not. He has his share of issues, but he's working on them, kust like I'm not perfect, and have my share of issues which I'm also working on. It's a part of being human, it's a part of growing up and growing together. It infuriates me that she would basically render the ACTUAL issues moot by making things up and lying and exxagerating to make her seem like a better person, him like a worse person, and me like a terrible friend who doesn't care about how 'he treats her'. (Because...did I mention that she said that she's offended that I would get engaged to someone who treated her like that? Bitch, you effing LIED and MADE SHIT UP! Treated you like WHAT? LIKE EVERY OTHER PERSON ON THE STREET? He's never been anything but polite and helpful and kind to you!)
Ugh. Anyway. So, this has been a very long time coming. I've had a lot of misgivings and doubts about this friendship for years now...long, long before I met my baby. I'm tired of being used, I'm tired of being mistreated by her, I'm tired of her getting angry when I give someone else the time of day, I'm tired of her giving me the silent treatment whenever I stand up for myself against her mistreatment. This is not a friendship. I'm done. I haven't spoken to her in....I guess a month? Well, ok, to be fair, it's been a good year or so since I actually spoke to her - we haven't had a real conversation in forever. It's always about some idiot she met online or her current musical obsession...and if I want to talk about ANYTHING else, she stops talking. And we exchanged a couple of texts about American Idol last week, and we saw each other when we both went to go see a girl we've known since middle school. But I haven't gone on to 'talk' to her in about a month, and my life has been so much better. I'm happy, nothing's bringing my mood down at night, I'm no longer afraid that she'll insult me for wanting to go work out halfway through the night...everything is better without her.
So...while I will never been rude or unpleasant to her, I will also no longer make an effort to speak to her or see her. She and I are no longer friends.
ETA: and you know, it's completely fine that she doesn't like him, doesn't want to come to the wedding, whatever. That's not what makes me angry, because she's allowed to feel the way she feels, and she's allowed to act on that however she sees fit. However, it is NEVER appropriate to lie to make your choice seem justified, which is exactly what she's doing.
I'm gonna be pretty ranty, so if you don't like rants, I guess...skip this post? LOL. I dunno. So, this girl I've posted about before, the one who treats me badly and hates my fiance for no reason, etc. etc....has apparently been posting about me on the internet in comment threads to articles such as 'what if your friend is marrying mr. wrong?' She's said that she's trying to 'work up the balls' to tell me that if I marry him, she won't be at the wedding, because though he's not physically abusive, he's "controlling, aggressive, and can't take 'no' for an answer." The only thing true there is that he's aggressive...but so what? Some people are aggressive. I'm a pretty hostile person, and she doesn't seem to have a problem with that. In fact, she brags about my aggression and hostility. It changes because he's a man? He and I are exactly alike in that respect, so I don't see the problem. He controls himself well, as do I.
But what really pisses me off is when she goes on to say that there are tons of red flags - guilt-tripping, separating me from friends and family, etc etc. You know...I can say that he's guilty of guilt-tripping me...I'm not going to deny that. But he's done it once...maybe twice, and it's been about stupid stuff, like getting a grey pillow instead of a white pillow. So...what's the problem? And with the separating me from friends and family...doesn't that assumption sort of require that I be SEPARATED from my friends and family? As in...at the VERY least, see them less than I used to? Talk to them less than I used to? I see my friends more now than I used to, talk to my two closest friends every day....see my family as much as much as I used to...so...where's the separation?
Oh, right, I'm not going online at night anymore to talk to her. Of COURSE that means that he's separating me from my friends and family. Of COURSE. Because I don't talk to HER anymore, for 6 hours a night, online, rendering me unable to do anything but sit on my couch and talk to her. I can't watch tv, I can't watch stuff on my computer, I can't listen to music...because every 5 seconds she's sending me a new clip to watch that's just SO EFFING HILARIOUS that I HAVE to watch AT THIS VERY SECOND, and if I don't, she gets all bitter and mad. Of COURSE, the fact that she's treated me like crap for about 4 years now has nothing to do with me not wanting to speak to her anymore. Of COURSE it's HIS fault; I can't possibly legitimately not want to speak to her anymore.
And then, my favorite part about what she wrote is when she says that he screamed at her and threw things at her outside a crowded club.
Um.........what? When exactly did this happen? Because you know, I was there the whole time. He and I were fighting. His attention was focused solely on me; he could have cared less where she was. Yes, the evening sucked because we got into a very public fight; but to lie and say that SHE got involved in it? Um...that's just crossing the line.
I will never deny that my fiance and I have had rough spots. I will never deny that he's made me cry. But you know what? I've made him cry too. I will not say he's perfect, because he's not. He has his share of issues, but he's working on them, kust like I'm not perfect, and have my share of issues which I'm also working on. It's a part of being human, it's a part of growing up and growing together. It infuriates me that she would basically render the ACTUAL issues moot by making things up and lying and exxagerating to make her seem like a better person, him like a worse person, and me like a terrible friend who doesn't care about how 'he treats her'. (Because...did I mention that she said that she's offended that I would get engaged to someone who treated her like that? Bitch, you effing LIED and MADE SHIT UP! Treated you like WHAT? LIKE EVERY OTHER PERSON ON THE STREET? He's never been anything but polite and helpful and kind to you!)
Ugh. Anyway. So, this has been a very long time coming. I've had a lot of misgivings and doubts about this friendship for years now...long, long before I met my baby. I'm tired of being used, I'm tired of being mistreated by her, I'm tired of her getting angry when I give someone else the time of day, I'm tired of her giving me the silent treatment whenever I stand up for myself against her mistreatment. This is not a friendship. I'm done. I haven't spoken to her in....I guess a month? Well, ok, to be fair, it's been a good year or so since I actually spoke to her - we haven't had a real conversation in forever. It's always about some idiot she met online or her current musical obsession...and if I want to talk about ANYTHING else, she stops talking. And we exchanged a couple of texts about American Idol last week, and we saw each other when we both went to go see a girl we've known since middle school. But I haven't gone on to 'talk' to her in about a month, and my life has been so much better. I'm happy, nothing's bringing my mood down at night, I'm no longer afraid that she'll insult me for wanting to go work out halfway through the night...everything is better without her.
So...while I will never been rude or unpleasant to her, I will also no longer make an effort to speak to her or see her. She and I are no longer friends.
ETA: and you know, it's completely fine that she doesn't like him, doesn't want to come to the wedding, whatever. That's not what makes me angry, because she's allowed to feel the way she feels, and she's allowed to act on that however she sees fit. However, it is NEVER appropriate to lie to make your choice seem justified, which is exactly what she's doing.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Old People
Ok, I'm not going to lie. I don't like old people. Sure, there are some sweet old ladies out there - my grandmothers are awesome. There are some cool old dudes...my grandfather is adorable. And of course there are other exceptions...not ALL old people are mean and nasty and bitchy. But I find that most of them are. And it makes me hate them!
Like, honestly. Do I seriously have to respect you JUST because you've lived about a thousand years? No! That in itself does not warrant respect! If you are rude, and nasty, and treat everyone around like dog crap JUST because they're breathing the same air as you...you will not get my respect, whether you're 97 or not. I don't care how old a person is! I really don't. Old people are snotty brats who are really exceptionally nasty.
I don't buy into the whole 'respect your elders because you don't know where they've been or what they've been through, as they are much wiser than you and you could stand to learn a thing or two from them.' Um, no. I don't care where they've been or what they've been through - all I care about is how they treat others. I can not stand to l earn a thing or two from a rude old biddy who thinks the world should bow down to her feet simply because her hair is gray and her skin is wrinkly. Absolutely not. And more oftentimes than not, I find that they're racist, bigoted people with black lumps of coal for hearts. What could I learn from that? How to be a racist bitch? Awesome. Thanks, old people! ur so sm4rt!
Ok, anyway, this post had no point. I just hate old people, that's all. Because they're mean and nasty. I mean, does it really hurt to say "thank you" when someone holds the door open for them? It makes me NOT want to hold doors open out of common courtesy for an old person behind me, because more than once I've gotten a "Wow, a young person who actually respects their elders" comment. ...seriously? You've GOT to be kidding me. I'm not holding the door because you're OLD, I'm holding it because I'm a decent, courteous person. I'd hold it open for a child, too! GOD.
Like, honestly. Do I seriously have to respect you JUST because you've lived about a thousand years? No! That in itself does not warrant respect! If you are rude, and nasty, and treat everyone around like dog crap JUST because they're breathing the same air as you...you will not get my respect, whether you're 97 or not. I don't care how old a person is! I really don't. Old people are snotty brats who are really exceptionally nasty.
I don't buy into the whole 'respect your elders because you don't know where they've been or what they've been through, as they are much wiser than you and you could stand to learn a thing or two from them.' Um, no. I don't care where they've been or what they've been through - all I care about is how they treat others. I can not stand to l earn a thing or two from a rude old biddy who thinks the world should bow down to her feet simply because her hair is gray and her skin is wrinkly. Absolutely not. And more oftentimes than not, I find that they're racist, bigoted people with black lumps of coal for hearts. What could I learn from that? How to be a racist bitch? Awesome. Thanks, old people! ur so sm4rt!
Ok, anyway, this post had no point. I just hate old people, that's all. Because they're mean and nasty. I mean, does it really hurt to say "thank you" when someone holds the door open for them? It makes me NOT want to hold doors open out of common courtesy for an old person behind me, because more than once I've gotten a "Wow, a young person who actually respects their elders" comment. ...seriously? You've GOT to be kidding me. I'm not holding the door because you're OLD, I'm holding it because I'm a decent, courteous person. I'd hold it open for a child, too! GOD.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Finding Grace, Day 5
Ha, I've gotten so bad! It amuses me that I was aiming to at least do the Grace in Small Things post daily, but I can't do even that! I guess I should be thankful that I'm so busy that I can't get to it...so with that in mind, my list:
1. Being busy. It's nice to have a life, a job, kitties and a fiance. I love my life, simple as it is.
2. Inside jokes with coworkers.
3. Bigglesworth (story coming soon!)
4. Reconnecting with old friends.
Life is good right now. I'm one of those people that kind of falls off the face of the planet...not purposely, it's just that I get wrapped up in 5 or 6 things going on in my life, and though I *mean* to call you, I forget until, oh...2 in the morning. I'm really productive at 2 in the morning...but unfortunately, most people are in bed by then, and it's kind of rude to call someone up at 2 that you haven't talked to in years just to chat. As of late, though, I've gotten a lot better at keeping in touch with people...I answer calls more frequently now, or return messages within 24 hours, and have made it a point to keep present friendships going strong.
Is it a part of growing up? I guess it is. I had two close friends my freshman year of college that were my life preservers that year...I would not have made it to the end of the year without them. But after I transferred, I just...disappeared. I didn't even tell them I was going! And I don't know why I did that. It's not that I didn't miss them...I definitely did, and it's not that I was hiding it from them. But I just....disappeared. Years passed, we all graduated college...and then I started finding people on Facebook, and voila! A means of re-connection. It didn't really happen that quickly...but it definitely happened. And now I'm pleased to say that we see each other every 3-4 months or so...I know it's not a lot, but we're all adults, have separate busy lives, and we all live so far away from each other that it's HUGE that we can still keep in touch!
I guess what I mean by 'it's a part of growing up' is that I am more...responsible with my personal life now. I don't let things just fall by the wayside anymore, I don't just let myself be lazy. I think that's what the problem was - I was lazy. Well, correction...I AM lazy. It's not that I don't care about these people, because I DO - I desperately do. But keeping in touch over long distances, when you're busy with work and friends who are closer, requires effort. And of course I want to put effort in...but before, I would be like "I should call so and so..." but then end up getting sucked into a tv show, which of course doesn't require any effort. If the phone was too far away, I wouldn't get up. But now...as I get older, I'm realizing that being lazy is just not worth it. I don't get ANYTHING out of being lazy.
I love my friends, and I've made it my goal to ensure that they know just how much I love them. They can't know that if I don't make the effort to show them. That's not to say I'm a bad friend; I'm extremely loyal, always interested in what they have to say, would take a bullet for them, etc. It's just that I have decided that it's time for me to go above and beyond. I think friendships are greatly enriched when you BOTH pick up the phone equally, rather than one person picking up the phone more than the other. At least, that's how I feel about my friendships. I feel that since I started making an effort to pick up and call that person more, it's gotten better and better.
Oh! And another thing! What's awesome is that the people that I've re-connected with, be it from a long time ago or recently, are friends with whom I am somehow able to pick up right where we left off. Those two girls I mentioned? It's as if no time has passed whatsoever. I find that to be true for everyone I've re-connected with. Granted, I don't have tons of friends, so it's not like it's happening left and right...but of the 4-5 people I've reconnected with in the last 2 years, it's as if we're still in the same town/class/school/whatever. It's amazing. I don't know if it's that it's the kind of person that I'm drawn to socially, or what...but I'm just so thankful for these people in my life. I'm so thankful that I've been able to get them back into my life, and I'm so thankful that they want me back in theirs.
So, here's to friendships!
1. Being busy. It's nice to have a life, a job, kitties and a fiance. I love my life, simple as it is.
2. Inside jokes with coworkers.
3. Bigglesworth (story coming soon!)
4. Reconnecting with old friends.
Life is good right now. I'm one of those people that kind of falls off the face of the planet...not purposely, it's just that I get wrapped up in 5 or 6 things going on in my life, and though I *mean* to call you, I forget until, oh...2 in the morning. I'm really productive at 2 in the morning...but unfortunately, most people are in bed by then, and it's kind of rude to call someone up at 2 that you haven't talked to in years just to chat. As of late, though, I've gotten a lot better at keeping in touch with people...I answer calls more frequently now, or return messages within 24 hours, and have made it a point to keep present friendships going strong.
Is it a part of growing up? I guess it is. I had two close friends my freshman year of college that were my life preservers that year...I would not have made it to the end of the year without them. But after I transferred, I just...disappeared. I didn't even tell them I was going! And I don't know why I did that. It's not that I didn't miss them...I definitely did, and it's not that I was hiding it from them. But I just....disappeared. Years passed, we all graduated college...and then I started finding people on Facebook, and voila! A means of re-connection. It didn't really happen that quickly...but it definitely happened. And now I'm pleased to say that we see each other every 3-4 months or so...I know it's not a lot, but we're all adults, have separate busy lives, and we all live so far away from each other that it's HUGE that we can still keep in touch!
I guess what I mean by 'it's a part of growing up' is that I am more...responsible with my personal life now. I don't let things just fall by the wayside anymore, I don't just let myself be lazy. I think that's what the problem was - I was lazy. Well, correction...I AM lazy. It's not that I don't care about these people, because I DO - I desperately do. But keeping in touch over long distances, when you're busy with work and friends who are closer, requires effort. And of course I want to put effort in...but before, I would be like "I should call so and so..." but then end up getting sucked into a tv show, which of course doesn't require any effort. If the phone was too far away, I wouldn't get up. But now...as I get older, I'm realizing that being lazy is just not worth it. I don't get ANYTHING out of being lazy.
I love my friends, and I've made it my goal to ensure that they know just how much I love them. They can't know that if I don't make the effort to show them. That's not to say I'm a bad friend; I'm extremely loyal, always interested in what they have to say, would take a bullet for them, etc. It's just that I have decided that it's time for me to go above and beyond. I think friendships are greatly enriched when you BOTH pick up the phone equally, rather than one person picking up the phone more than the other. At least, that's how I feel about my friendships. I feel that since I started making an effort to pick up and call that person more, it's gotten better and better.
Oh! And another thing! What's awesome is that the people that I've re-connected with, be it from a long time ago or recently, are friends with whom I am somehow able to pick up right where we left off. Those two girls I mentioned? It's as if no time has passed whatsoever. I find that to be true for everyone I've re-connected with. Granted, I don't have tons of friends, so it's not like it's happening left and right...but of the 4-5 people I've reconnected with in the last 2 years, it's as if we're still in the same town/class/school/whatever. It's amazing. I don't know if it's that it's the kind of person that I'm drawn to socially, or what...but I'm just so thankful for these people in my life. I'm so thankful that I've been able to get them back into my life, and I'm so thankful that they want me back in theirs.
So, here's to friendships!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Eeee!
Ok, so like lots of girls, I have this thing for men in uniforms...especially military uniforms! In high school and college I worked at a mall bookstore where a lot of the soldiers from the nearby air force base would come on their leave, and it was one of the greatest things EVER when they were on leave because they'd walk around in their camos, and once in a while they'd be in their dress uniforms, and they were always so polite, and my friend and I would become awful, giggly, melty masses of giddiness when they talked to us.
I also had this crazy obsession with that show JAG, about the Judge Advocate General corps, which is almost like the district attorney of the military. The main characters were a Naval officer guy and a Marine officer woman, and my best friend and I would watch the show over the phone every week if we couldn't actually be in the same room [and sometimes every night, because they played reruns on USA every day!] and just giggle over the hotness of the guys in uniform. Lame, I know, but AWESOME. Don't judge!
So, needless to say, when I started dating a Marine, it was like the biggest deal in the world for me. The two aforementioned friends were super excited, but not as excited as me! And when we got engaged? Fuggettaboutit! I mean, he's not currently IN the Marines [thank god...I wouldn't be able to handle the long distance and fear], but he was in for 4 years and honorably discharged, which means he can wear his dress blues to his wedding and have the saber ceremony.
WHICH IS GOING TO HAPPEN. He wants to wear his dress blues to our wedding! And we're going to have the saber ceremony at the end, where we walk underneath the arch of swords! I am SO EXCITED. And his best man was in the Marines too, so he's going to be in his blues, and I'm just...giddy with glee! I mean, this man is a dream come true for me already, but to have him in uniform??
So yes, I'm just so excited, and I had to share. :]
I also had this crazy obsession with that show JAG, about the Judge Advocate General corps, which is almost like the district attorney of the military. The main characters were a Naval officer guy and a Marine officer woman, and my best friend and I would watch the show over the phone every week if we couldn't actually be in the same room [and sometimes every night, because they played reruns on USA every day!] and just giggle over the hotness of the guys in uniform. Lame, I know, but AWESOME. Don't judge!
So, needless to say, when I started dating a Marine, it was like the biggest deal in the world for me. The two aforementioned friends were super excited, but not as excited as me! And when we got engaged? Fuggettaboutit! I mean, he's not currently IN the Marines [thank god...I wouldn't be able to handle the long distance and fear], but he was in for 4 years and honorably discharged, which means he can wear his dress blues to his wedding and have the saber ceremony.
WHICH IS GOING TO HAPPEN. He wants to wear his dress blues to our wedding! And we're going to have the saber ceremony at the end, where we walk underneath the arch of swords! I am SO EXCITED. And his best man was in the Marines too, so he's going to be in his blues, and I'm just...giddy with glee! I mean, this man is a dream come true for me already, but to have him in uniform??
So yes, I'm just so excited, and I had to share. :]
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Poems poems everywhere
I love reading poetry. I really do! I mostly like contemporary poetry, but I'm not going to knock old poems, either, because there really is some beautiful stuff out there. I tend to dislike really long poems, because I get bored and I just want it to end...and if I wanted to read a short story, I WOULD have read a short story - not a poem that calls itself a poem but is really just a short story in poem disguise. But this...I like this. A lot. My favorite line was:
Because I want to build my bones into cribs
It's by a slam poet, and it's kind of hard to get accurate transcriptions of his work, apparently. But this is how I discovered it, so this is what I present to you:
"Apology"
Shane Koyczan
I'm sorry
I'm sorry that I keep saying I'm sorry
I know it's strange
Strange in a George W. Bush hasn't been assassinated yet kinda way
But I say I am sorry for stupid bullshit and trivial things
And she sings the sweet logic that apologies should grow like trees
Only able to bear fruit if its root is planted in the soil of genuine sincerity
But I somehow manage to parody each apology by speaking it before I react
And the fact is I'm not really sorry I completely dig Degrassi
Because it was Yick and Arthur who got me through wet dreams and puberty
Lady, I don't expect you to understand the reference
But I've been into this shit ever since a casting director said
"Fuck physicality, give me some reality
Give me kids who can't act and are ugly They'll teach the world about beauty"
Lady, I can relate to this
Because before I met you,
I used to want to lock myself into a vault just to feel precious
But now with every kiss, hello, and goodbye,
I feel a self-worth no banker can tally
And my heart is a protest that I let rally against my ribs
Because I want to build my bones into cribs
And lay my reluctance to rest
Test what it would be like to live frenetically
To hold you unapologetically
To plant a giving tree on my front lawn So that when you're gone I can give you back to me
And I'm sorry
That when you sleep next to me you're forced to listen to the symphony
Of the unplugged nostril
And I'm sorry that one time for some reason I called you 'ma'am'
That's fucked up
Fucked up in a I-just-bought-a-pair-of-Speedos-so-I-can-go-swimming-with-you kind of way
And crazier than that is the fact that I'll play at being brave because doubt
Is about as useful as a fire escape when you're trying to dodge a tidal wave
When you got no time to save anybody but yourself
You better believe that you're worth it
And you're worth the time it takes to take the time to get to know you
We've managed to muddle through the awkward stage of I like you and do you like me
And when we both said yes
Life became a multiple choice test
Not knowing anything we became each other's best guess
And holding your hand is less like expiration and more like discovery
Lady, I don't have to study you to be sure
You're the choice I made before I knew what the other choices were
Like the best idea I'll ever have I want you to occur to me daily
And I'm sorry
But I want to kiss you every time you have something incredible to say
But you're beautiful
Beautiful in a you kind of way
You're like the long lost vinyl of Louis Armstrong
And I want to play you until it skips
I want to tell you a secret and I want you to listen with your lips
I want my hands on your hips like they were their final resting place
Then put that funeral on your paper so you can trace their lifetime back to the fact that I'm more inclined to find a space in your heart to haunt for as long as you want me to Lady, I'll rattle chains up and down the halls of you and this
This isn't the greatest romance the world has ever seen
Let's face it:
We've been making out to songs about break-up and heartache
But I've come to understand romance should be less like a flower and more like an earthquake
And I'm not saying that I want to shake cities to the ground
I'm not saying that I want to rubble that remains to become the lost and found
While we find the kind of tolerance it takes to rebuild in the face of tragedy
Because I'm tired of living in a world that says that people only come together when faced with catastrophe
I want you to want me to be the me you see when I'm free to be the me that got me next to you And as for romance? Well I want that too
I want to fall asleep next to you 100 times in the night so I can know you 100 times better
Before we hit the daylight
And in spite of all of this I also want amnesia
So I can relive each kiss in a perfect mood that leaves me smashed in the arms of rapture
I want the sky to fracture under the impossible weight of an apology because I'm sorry
I'm sorry that I want so much
I'm sorry that I've been using "I'm sorry" as a crutch to lean on for so long
But if you sing me that song of sweet logic again
Then I promise to make the effort to stand on my own and there's a reason
That our hearts are more like a muscle and less like a bone I've known so many people who have grown up flexing in front of the mirrors If falling for their own reflection would be adequate And that's bullshit
Because when they get from now until the time we go
And if they've only got time to love themselves And no one's going to be around to hear the sound of their heart beat echo
So lady, don't expect an apology when I tell you I'm only held together by a heart that pumps glue It's the strongest muscle in my body
And I'm flexing it for you
Because I want to build my bones into cribs
It's by a slam poet, and it's kind of hard to get accurate transcriptions of his work, apparently. But this is how I discovered it, so this is what I present to you:
"Apology"
Shane Koyczan
I'm sorry
I'm sorry that I keep saying I'm sorry
I know it's strange
Strange in a George W. Bush hasn't been assassinated yet kinda way
But I say I am sorry for stupid bullshit and trivial things
And she sings the sweet logic that apologies should grow like trees
Only able to bear fruit if its root is planted in the soil of genuine sincerity
But I somehow manage to parody each apology by speaking it before I react
And the fact is I'm not really sorry I completely dig Degrassi
Because it was Yick and Arthur who got me through wet dreams and puberty
Lady, I don't expect you to understand the reference
But I've been into this shit ever since a casting director said
"Fuck physicality, give me some reality
Give me kids who can't act and are ugly They'll teach the world about beauty"
Lady, I can relate to this
Because before I met you,
I used to want to lock myself into a vault just to feel precious
But now with every kiss, hello, and goodbye,
I feel a self-worth no banker can tally
And my heart is a protest that I let rally against my ribs
Because I want to build my bones into cribs
And lay my reluctance to rest
Test what it would be like to live frenetically
To hold you unapologetically
To plant a giving tree on my front lawn So that when you're gone I can give you back to me
And I'm sorry
That when you sleep next to me you're forced to listen to the symphony
Of the unplugged nostril
And I'm sorry that one time for some reason I called you 'ma'am'
That's fucked up
Fucked up in a I-just-bought-a-pair-of-Speedos-so-I-can-go-swimming-with-you kind of way
And crazier than that is the fact that I'll play at being brave because doubt
Is about as useful as a fire escape when you're trying to dodge a tidal wave
When you got no time to save anybody but yourself
You better believe that you're worth it
And you're worth the time it takes to take the time to get to know you
We've managed to muddle through the awkward stage of I like you and do you like me
And when we both said yes
Life became a multiple choice test
Not knowing anything we became each other's best guess
And holding your hand is less like expiration and more like discovery
Lady, I don't have to study you to be sure
You're the choice I made before I knew what the other choices were
Like the best idea I'll ever have I want you to occur to me daily
And I'm sorry
But I want to kiss you every time you have something incredible to say
But you're beautiful
Beautiful in a you kind of way
You're like the long lost vinyl of Louis Armstrong
And I want to play you until it skips
I want to tell you a secret and I want you to listen with your lips
I want my hands on your hips like they were their final resting place
Then put that funeral on your paper so you can trace their lifetime back to the fact that I'm more inclined to find a space in your heart to haunt for as long as you want me to Lady, I'll rattle chains up and down the halls of you and this
This isn't the greatest romance the world has ever seen
Let's face it:
We've been making out to songs about break-up and heartache
But I've come to understand romance should be less like a flower and more like an earthquake
And I'm not saying that I want to shake cities to the ground
I'm not saying that I want to rubble that remains to become the lost and found
While we find the kind of tolerance it takes to rebuild in the face of tragedy
Because I'm tired of living in a world that says that people only come together when faced with catastrophe
I want you to want me to be the me you see when I'm free to be the me that got me next to you And as for romance? Well I want that too
I want to fall asleep next to you 100 times in the night so I can know you 100 times better
Before we hit the daylight
And in spite of all of this I also want amnesia
So I can relive each kiss in a perfect mood that leaves me smashed in the arms of rapture
I want the sky to fracture under the impossible weight of an apology because I'm sorry
I'm sorry that I want so much
I'm sorry that I've been using "I'm sorry" as a crutch to lean on for so long
But if you sing me that song of sweet logic again
Then I promise to make the effort to stand on my own and there's a reason
That our hearts are more like a muscle and less like a bone I've known so many people who have grown up flexing in front of the mirrors If falling for their own reflection would be adequate And that's bullshit
Because when they get from now until the time we go
And if they've only got time to love themselves And no one's going to be around to hear the sound of their heart beat echo
So lady, don't expect an apology when I tell you I'm only held together by a heart that pumps glue It's the strongest muscle in my body
And I'm flexing it for you
Monday, February 9, 2009
Finding Grace, Day 3
1. Kitty love while trying to open Blogger.
2. Co-workers I actually like and have things in common with.
3. Thin-crust pizza.
2. Co-workers I actually like and have things in common with.
3. Thin-crust pizza.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Finding Grace, day 2
Today, as much as I want to cry at the fact that I apparently live in an area where most per person prices for weddings are outrageous unless you're ultra-rich (e.g., $175/person, 150-200 person minimum) and I'm trying to plan a Saturday night, in-season wedding on $20,000...
I'm grateful for the fact that I even HAVE $20,000 to plan a wedding with. Though I'm seeing some beautiful places and it's hurting my heart to know that I can't use them...I'm very lucky to have parents who are willing to pay for my wedding, to give me that much, and to have a supportive fiance who talks me down from the ledge when I start seeing these prices. In an economy like this, it's ridiculous that we can even afford THAT, and I'm very lucky. I just have to remember that. VERY lucky.
Other things I'm grateful for today:
1. Much clearer roads on which to drive to work
2. A car with working heat
3. Halls vitamin C cough drops
4. Tomato soup <3
I'm grateful for the fact that I even HAVE $20,000 to plan a wedding with. Though I'm seeing some beautiful places and it's hurting my heart to know that I can't use them...I'm very lucky to have parents who are willing to pay for my wedding, to give me that much, and to have a supportive fiance who talks me down from the ledge when I start seeing these prices. In an economy like this, it's ridiculous that we can even afford THAT, and I'm very lucky. I just have to remember that. VERY lucky.
Other things I'm grateful for today:
1. Much clearer roads on which to drive to work
2. A car with working heat
3. Halls vitamin C cough drops
4. Tomato soup <3
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Finding Grace
I just discovered Grace in Small Things, and I LOVE it. I'm going to do this every day. Or at least, Monday-Friday, because weekends are hard for me to get online for the most part. But yes, I love this concept, and I'm going to start today. Things I'm thankful for today:
1. "Listen live!" options online for my favorite radio stations, so I can listen at work...or at all, since my car radio doesn't work anymore.
2. Going to Love Park last night with my sweetie and having a romantic, snowy moment before thousands of people showed up trying to take pictures of the park in the snow.
3. "Live Your Life" - Rihanna/TI.
4. Allergies that are mild instead of fatal.
5. Job security.
6. My bridesmaids <3
7. 20-something bloggers...I'm discovering so many wonderful people.
8. Pink. Every song she's ever done.
1. "Listen live!" options online for my favorite radio stations, so I can listen at work...or at all, since my car radio doesn't work anymore.
2. Going to Love Park last night with my sweetie and having a romantic, snowy moment before thousands of people showed up trying to take pictures of the park in the snow.
3. "Live Your Life" - Rihanna/TI.
4. Allergies that are mild instead of fatal.
5. Job security.
6. My bridesmaids <3
7. 20-something bloggers...I'm discovering so many wonderful people.
8. Pink. Every song she's ever done.
Couple Envy
I've been part of a couple for most of my adult life...I got my first 'real' boyfriend when I was 17, and we stayed together for 7 years. My next boyfriend came along a few months later, and now we're engaged. And before all that, there was my 'first' 'love' boyfriend, with whom I had one of those crazy, high school drama, obsessively 'in love' relationships that was on again, off again, ad nauseum, for most of high school.
And now I'm noticing (presently and in retrospect) this phenomenon I've dubbed 'couple envy' amongst my group of friends, online, etc etc etc.
I dunno what it is, really...I guess every couple has another couple they aspire to be like, want to emulate, things like that? I can think of one couple that I sometimes wish my fiance and I were more like - but I can also think of more than one couple that wants to be like me and my fiance. It's like the outward appearance of someone else's relationship seems more attractive than your actual experience as a couple. And that's not to say that anyone's relationship is bad (of course, there are always bad relationships, but no one I'm thinking of, including myself, is in one right now), it's more to say...the grass is always greener.
I mean, think about it. No one else knows what your relationship is like behind closed doors, so they only know your relationship as you project it when you're out there in the world. Some people project a better image - always sweet, always happy, holding hands, cuddly in public, sending eachother cutesy notes. And to the cutesy, PDA-approving people in the world, that kind of relationship image is totally ideal (like me!). But some people project a worse image - always fighting, never happy, seemingly more comfortable without the significant other than with. And no one wants that.
But those images don't really mean anything - it's just what other people see. The couple that's always fighting in public might be super sweet and cutesy at home...and the super sweet public couple might constantly be fighting at home. But no one knows that! So in comes couple envy. "I wish we were more like that." "Why don't you do these things for me, like so and so does for so and so?" "They're so close and seem to know each other so well, I wish we could be like that."
I know my thoughts on this are all over the place...which is kind of reflective of my thought process in general, but still. I never really started noticing this until a night a few weekends ago when my fiance and I went to my closest friend (from law school)'s place to play games with her, her boyfriend (another super close friend from law school), and my fiance's best friend and his new girl. We played Taboo, where you have to try to get your partner to guess the word on the top of the card by describing it, but to describe it you can't use certain 'taboo' words. Like, for 'zebra', you can't use the words Africa, animal, black and white, or striped.
I totally thought that my fiance and I would do horribly, since he's not a big game person, and I've only played once and I did really badly then. Plus, playing against my two close friends who've been together for 3 years, I figured they'd win by a landslide as they know each other so well. But weirdly enough, my fiance and I kicked total ass...it was insane! Every round we were getting 9-10 points, whereas every other couple was averaging around 3. It seems that he and I are much more in sync with each other than my close friends were - and that's what really got my wondering about this. They're a couple that seem so close, and perfect for each other, and who show affection in all the right ways, and seem to have a relationship that I'd strive for - but we're more in sync than they were. We knew more things about each other than they did, and so, while I still think they have a really good relationship...maybe they also just project an exceptionally good image of their relationship. I have no idea how much they fight, or how much they talk about who they are as individuals, etc.
And of course, that's not to say my fiance and I project a horrible image. We're cuddly people...we hold hands all the time, laugh constantly, genuinely enjoy each other's company, which I've been told shows. And while we fight once in a while, it's not often. We've of course had a few serious fights, but it's been a long time since we had one of those, and we learned a lot about each other doing it. And what was funny about the end of the game was that his best friend's new girlfriend said to me, "You guys are like the perfect couple. I hope we get to be just like you guys one day." But we've had our ups and downs, and it took a lot to get to where we are. I never would have thought someone would want to be just like us...but then...why not?
So...all this rambling to say...you can't always judge a relationship by its cover.* And you certainly shouldn't want to be just like it, either, because what works for one couple won't always work for another. And on top of that, shouldn't we all want to be our own couple, with our own habits and tendencies? If anything, that game made me realize that I love us for who we are, not for what we'd be if we copied someone else. We are distinct people, and naturally when we come together, it's not going to be the same as any other relationship, ever.
Wow, this was long and rambly.
* - But you can TOTALLY judge a BOOK by its cover. Trust me.
And now I'm noticing (presently and in retrospect) this phenomenon I've dubbed 'couple envy' amongst my group of friends, online, etc etc etc.
I dunno what it is, really...I guess every couple has another couple they aspire to be like, want to emulate, things like that? I can think of one couple that I sometimes wish my fiance and I were more like - but I can also think of more than one couple that wants to be like me and my fiance. It's like the outward appearance of someone else's relationship seems more attractive than your actual experience as a couple. And that's not to say that anyone's relationship is bad (of course, there are always bad relationships, but no one I'm thinking of, including myself, is in one right now), it's more to say...the grass is always greener.
I mean, think about it. No one else knows what your relationship is like behind closed doors, so they only know your relationship as you project it when you're out there in the world. Some people project a better image - always sweet, always happy, holding hands, cuddly in public, sending eachother cutesy notes. And to the cutesy, PDA-approving people in the world, that kind of relationship image is totally ideal (like me!). But some people project a worse image - always fighting, never happy, seemingly more comfortable without the significant other than with. And no one wants that.
But those images don't really mean anything - it's just what other people see. The couple that's always fighting in public might be super sweet and cutesy at home...and the super sweet public couple might constantly be fighting at home. But no one knows that! So in comes couple envy. "I wish we were more like that." "Why don't you do these things for me, like so and so does for so and so?" "They're so close and seem to know each other so well, I wish we could be like that."
I know my thoughts on this are all over the place...which is kind of reflective of my thought process in general, but still. I never really started noticing this until a night a few weekends ago when my fiance and I went to my closest friend (from law school)'s place to play games with her, her boyfriend (another super close friend from law school), and my fiance's best friend and his new girl. We played Taboo, where you have to try to get your partner to guess the word on the top of the card by describing it, but to describe it you can't use certain 'taboo' words. Like, for 'zebra', you can't use the words Africa, animal, black and white, or striped.
I totally thought that my fiance and I would do horribly, since he's not a big game person, and I've only played once and I did really badly then. Plus, playing against my two close friends who've been together for 3 years, I figured they'd win by a landslide as they know each other so well. But weirdly enough, my fiance and I kicked total ass...it was insane! Every round we were getting 9-10 points, whereas every other couple was averaging around 3. It seems that he and I are much more in sync with each other than my close friends were - and that's what really got my wondering about this. They're a couple that seem so close, and perfect for each other, and who show affection in all the right ways, and seem to have a relationship that I'd strive for - but we're more in sync than they were. We knew more things about each other than they did, and so, while I still think they have a really good relationship...maybe they also just project an exceptionally good image of their relationship. I have no idea how much they fight, or how much they talk about who they are as individuals, etc.
And of course, that's not to say my fiance and I project a horrible image. We're cuddly people...we hold hands all the time, laugh constantly, genuinely enjoy each other's company, which I've been told shows. And while we fight once in a while, it's not often. We've of course had a few serious fights, but it's been a long time since we had one of those, and we learned a lot about each other doing it. And what was funny about the end of the game was that his best friend's new girlfriend said to me, "You guys are like the perfect couple. I hope we get to be just like you guys one day." But we've had our ups and downs, and it took a lot to get to where we are. I never would have thought someone would want to be just like us...but then...why not?
So...all this rambling to say...you can't always judge a relationship by its cover.* And you certainly shouldn't want to be just like it, either, because what works for one couple won't always work for another. And on top of that, shouldn't we all want to be our own couple, with our own habits and tendencies? If anything, that game made me realize that I love us for who we are, not for what we'd be if we copied someone else. We are distinct people, and naturally when we come together, it's not going to be the same as any other relationship, ever.
Wow, this was long and rambly.
* - But you can TOTALLY judge a BOOK by its cover. Trust me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
