1. Friday!!
2. Falling down, and being able to pick myself right back up again.
3. Realizing that just being IN a buddy group is incredibly helpful to #2.
4. Really interesting assignments at work.
5. Planned dinner with friends this weekend!
Friday, March 27, 2009
Week 1 weigh in
I'm up 1.4 today from my start weight. I'm feeling really dejected actually...especially after I was down 1 pound two days after the initial weigh in. That day, I thought "Yes! And that's after I couldn't exercise yesterday! So let me exercise today!" and then I went up half a pound the next day. And it happened again, and again, after each work out.
I know that I gain muscle quickly. And my clothing is already fitting better, after just 1 week. My face even looks better in pictures already. But it's still so...dejecting. I know logically it's probably because I'm retaining water (which happens for a bit right after I start working out) and I might have gained some muscle (which happens almost immediately, especially in my legs). But....still. I could already see it coming every morning as I got on the scale and I saw it creep up, but I still clung to hope.
Well...there's nothing to be done. I'll let myself be disappointed for however long it takes me to finish this post, and then it's done. I'll look forward to next week, I'm sure I can catch up. That muscle (at least, I hope it's muscle!!) will start kicking into calorie-burning mode soon, and I'll catch up. I'll be healthier and my clothes will fit better, even if the number doesn't go down. I can do this.
I know it seems silly, but even though I'm sure my whole group has gotten losses this week, it's still really helpful to know that there's a sort of built-in support group. They can lose, so can I! Even if mine is slower, they're there being encouraging JUST by being part of my group and checking in each day. Knowing I have to write in and check in is really...encouraging to me, somehow. Even if I have bad news to report, I look forward to hearing their good news and hopefully giving them good news one day soon! So..I guess this buddy group thing is working out for me. :)
I know that I gain muscle quickly. And my clothing is already fitting better, after just 1 week. My face even looks better in pictures already. But it's still so...dejecting. I know logically it's probably because I'm retaining water (which happens for a bit right after I start working out) and I might have gained some muscle (which happens almost immediately, especially in my legs). But....still. I could already see it coming every morning as I got on the scale and I saw it creep up, but I still clung to hope.
Well...there's nothing to be done. I'll let myself be disappointed for however long it takes me to finish this post, and then it's done. I'll look forward to next week, I'm sure I can catch up. That muscle (at least, I hope it's muscle!!) will start kicking into calorie-burning mode soon, and I'll catch up. I'll be healthier and my clothes will fit better, even if the number doesn't go down. I can do this.
I know it seems silly, but even though I'm sure my whole group has gotten losses this week, it's still really helpful to know that there's a sort of built-in support group. They can lose, so can I! Even if mine is slower, they're there being encouraging JUST by being part of my group and checking in each day. Knowing I have to write in and check in is really...encouraging to me, somehow. Even if I have bad news to report, I look forward to hearing their good news and hopefully giving them good news one day soon! So..I guess this buddy group thing is working out for me. :)
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Motivations
I'm 25 now and I'm very different, in a lot of ways, from the person I was at 13, 14, 15, etc. But one of the biggest ways I'm the same is that I still have the same motivation for wanting to lose weigh: I want to be hot!
I lie a lot about my motivations for it, because people tend to look at me like I'm nuts if I say that. I mean, to be honest, I tend to keep weight loss/diet attempts secret from everyone but my fiance anyway, because people tend to tell me I'm crazy and I don't need to lose weight, and then they get mad at me. I would get it if I were scarily skinny, if I already weighed 110 pounds or something...but I don't. I am 5 feet and 1.5 inches tall, and I weight 155 pounds. That is not underweight. That is not even within my 'healthy' range. So why people get angry at me, I have no idea, but I like to avoid it.
Anyway, I digress. My true motivation has always been "I just don't want to be fat." I simply, truly want to be hot and thin. I can be hot, I've BEEN hot. I guess technically I'm 'hot' now, as I have that crazy true hourglass shape and I carry my weight very well (I'm told I have dense bones). But I don't FEEL hot. I want to look good in a bikini, I want to look good in clothes. I know I'll always have difficulties with regular clothes and I'll never be able to just buy something off the rack without trying it on because of the way I'm shaped (small waist, LARGE breasts and hips/butt, and it's like that at all weights), but...I'd still like to feel good about myself. I'd still like to be happy with the way I look in the mirror.
But people don't get why I'm not happy with what I see in the mirror. So...I lie. I tell them the only reason I want to work out and lose weight is to just live a better lifestyle, to be healthy, etc. And sure, I *guess* those are reasons to do it. But honestly, I just. want. to be. hot.
Is that shallow? It has nothing to do with anyone else. It has to do with me, pure and simple. I don't like the way I look, and I intend to change that. I think I'm in a place now where I CAN be happy with the image in the mirror, if I get to the right place. I suspect that place is around 125. When I was 125 I wasn't happy...but I think I've grown enough to know that it was a good weight for me to be at, and hopefully I can get there without having too many problems.
I know this was really all over the place; when I think about weight loss and what I want and why I want it and where I know my mind needs to be, I get all discombobulated and can't really organize my thoughts well.
**In wedding related news, I went to my first bridal show yesterday! It was a little weird, but fun nevertheless! My parents and my fiance went with me, and we actually had a good time. And my bridesmaids, completely unexpectedly, are giving me ideas for the wedding itself, so I'm just so excited to have such great girls standing up with me!!
I lie a lot about my motivations for it, because people tend to look at me like I'm nuts if I say that. I mean, to be honest, I tend to keep weight loss/diet attempts secret from everyone but my fiance anyway, because people tend to tell me I'm crazy and I don't need to lose weight, and then they get mad at me. I would get it if I were scarily skinny, if I already weighed 110 pounds or something...but I don't. I am 5 feet and 1.5 inches tall, and I weight 155 pounds. That is not underweight. That is not even within my 'healthy' range. So why people get angry at me, I have no idea, but I like to avoid it.
Anyway, I digress. My true motivation has always been "I just don't want to be fat." I simply, truly want to be hot and thin. I can be hot, I've BEEN hot. I guess technically I'm 'hot' now, as I have that crazy true hourglass shape and I carry my weight very well (I'm told I have dense bones). But I don't FEEL hot. I want to look good in a bikini, I want to look good in clothes. I know I'll always have difficulties with regular clothes and I'll never be able to just buy something off the rack without trying it on because of the way I'm shaped (small waist, LARGE breasts and hips/butt, and it's like that at all weights), but...I'd still like to feel good about myself. I'd still like to be happy with the way I look in the mirror.
But people don't get why I'm not happy with what I see in the mirror. So...I lie. I tell them the only reason I want to work out and lose weight is to just live a better lifestyle, to be healthy, etc. And sure, I *guess* those are reasons to do it. But honestly, I just. want. to be. hot.
Is that shallow? It has nothing to do with anyone else. It has to do with me, pure and simple. I don't like the way I look, and I intend to change that. I think I'm in a place now where I CAN be happy with the image in the mirror, if I get to the right place. I suspect that place is around 125. When I was 125 I wasn't happy...but I think I've grown enough to know that it was a good weight for me to be at, and hopefully I can get there without having too many problems.
I know this was really all over the place; when I think about weight loss and what I want and why I want it and where I know my mind needs to be, I get all discombobulated and can't really organize my thoughts well.
**In wedding related news, I went to my first bridal show yesterday! It was a little weird, but fun nevertheless! My parents and my fiance went with me, and we actually had a good time. And my bridesmaids, completely unexpectedly, are giving me ideas for the wedding itself, so I'm just so excited to have such great girls standing up with me!!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
It begins! Well, not really.
Ok, so...let's see if I can keep up any kind of consistency. I didn't work out yesterday, not at all. I didn't have the energy or the time after having to go straight from work to a networking reception for alumni of a diversity program that I participated in while in law school, and that lasted a few hours so by the time I got home after my loooong day, I was too tired to do anything but sit. But at least I kept within my calories!
The day before, though, I kind of made a breakthrough at the gym. I used to think that I could only use my iPod for music to motivate me during a workout if I did it while I was running outside. I get bored on the treadmill unless I'm watching something, so I assumed that it's because music doesn't do it for me unless I'm outside with visual stimulus. Now, however, I'm guessing it's just that I hate the treadmill with a passion. If I'm going to run, it's going to be outside!
What happened is I got on the elliptical because I went late enough that no one was in my building's gym (awesome, as there's only one functional elliptical left and it's always in high demand) and had nothing to watch, so I used music out of desperation.
And it worked! I worked out harder than I do when I'm watching something, and I didn't get bored, and I was able to go longer than normal. I don't know what it is, but I don't care, because the time went by so quickly. This is SO going to be helpful.
On another random-ish note, I'm feeling a little dejected because though I know it's supposed to be a weekly weigh-in, I'm up a pound from my start weight as of this morning, which means that I have 2 days to lose 2 pounds. I know it's probably just water weight, but it's still sort of disheartening. I'll keep my chin up and hope for the best on Friday, though. :)
The day before, though, I kind of made a breakthrough at the gym. I used to think that I could only use my iPod for music to motivate me during a workout if I did it while I was running outside. I get bored on the treadmill unless I'm watching something, so I assumed that it's because music doesn't do it for me unless I'm outside with visual stimulus. Now, however, I'm guessing it's just that I hate the treadmill with a passion. If I'm going to run, it's going to be outside!
What happened is I got on the elliptical because I went late enough that no one was in my building's gym (awesome, as there's only one functional elliptical left and it's always in high demand) and had nothing to watch, so I used music out of desperation.
And it worked! I worked out harder than I do when I'm watching something, and I didn't get bored, and I was able to go longer than normal. I don't know what it is, but I don't care, because the time went by so quickly. This is SO going to be helpful.
On another random-ish note, I'm feeling a little dejected because though I know it's supposed to be a weekly weigh-in, I'm up a pound from my start weight as of this morning, which means that I have 2 days to lose 2 pounds. I know it's probably just water weight, but it's still sort of disheartening. I'll keep my chin up and hope for the best on Friday, though. :)
Friday, March 20, 2009
Finding Grace, Day 11
1. Salt and vinegar chips
2. My first bridal show this weekend!
3. An awesome time with friends on St. Patrick's Day.
4. Cheap cheap cheap groceries at Target!
5. Mandatory 2 days off in May and June; even though we're not going to get paid, at least it'll be nice to not have to come in.
2. My first bridal show this weekend!
3. An awesome time with friends on St. Patrick's Day.
4. Cheap cheap cheap groceries at Target!
5. Mandatory 2 days off in May and June; even though we're not going to get paid, at least it'll be nice to not have to come in.
Pound For Pound Challenge
I've pledged my weight loss to the Pound for Pound Challenge, which is a group that donates 1 pound of food for every pound lost. Since I'm doing this 25 pounds in 20 weeks thing, I might as well pledge my weight! I think it's a really great cause...I love helping people however I can, and this costs NOTHING. I've pledged 6 pounds, because I think the final weigh-in is at 6 weeks from now. I'm excited...not only am I helping myself, but I'm helping others! I hope other people join in, too. :)
In a related note, today's the beginning of Ash's (from Ash is Fit) 20 Pounds in 20 Weeks challenge. It's the first weigh-in, and it totally looks like it's shaping up to be an awesome group. I was hesitant about the group thing at first since I tend to be bad at checking my e-mail at night and on weekends, but it seems like she's going to group is in accordance with our different lifestyles and whatnot, so that's perfect! I'm really excited. :)
You know, I'm going to be brave and post my start weight. It's.....155.6. I know that's not tons for a lot of people, but I'm short, so it's a big deal. On top of that, I have other issues, so...it's an even bigger deal. I'm looking to lose 25 pounds, so that'll put me at 130. Here's looking at 130 in 20 weeks! That'll be at the end of July...right at my birthday! So that'll be a nice birthday present to me.
Ok...that's it, I guess.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
20 Pounds in 20 Weeks, Steps 1 and 2
Ok! So I ran across Ash is Fit and her 20 Pounds in 20 Weeks challenge, and I've signed up. I think it's such a great idea for me...a weekly weigh-in as a motivator [because I get pretty competitive], group dynamics to keep me encouraged and not feeling so alone, all that good stuff. Plus, I think this will be a good supplement to my membership in the 20-Somethings Biggest Loser competition...so we'll see!
So, Step 1 is to make a plan and set my goal. My plan is slightly higher than the actual challenge's name...I'd like to lose 25 pounds in 20 weeks, so it's only 1.25 pounds a week. I don't think it's a big deal at all, and I can definitely do it. My goal is basically the same. I'd like to reach my goal weight - and I'm too shy about posting my weight publicly, so I'm not going to post my goal weight since I'm pretty sure everyone can do math. Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to post it, but...not just yet, haha. BUT, I will also add a supplemental goal - lose at least 1 pants' size. That would be so awesome, and given my body shape it's very hard to lose pant sizes so that's why I'm only going for 1. Here's hoping for more!
Step 2 is to set my reward. I'm going to give myself 2 rewards - 1 at 10 pounds lost, and a second when I lose the full 25. My first reward will be a beautiful new pair of shoes, and my second reward will be a massage and facial. I've been DYING for a facial, so that's going to be really exciting for me and will really, really motivate me to get there.
Ok, so I guess that's it. The challenge is set to start this Friday, March 20 - so that'll be the first weigh-on. 25 pounds in 20 weeks, I can totally do it!
So, Step 1 is to make a plan and set my goal. My plan is slightly higher than the actual challenge's name...I'd like to lose 25 pounds in 20 weeks, so it's only 1.25 pounds a week. I don't think it's a big deal at all, and I can definitely do it. My goal is basically the same. I'd like to reach my goal weight - and I'm too shy about posting my weight publicly, so I'm not going to post my goal weight since I'm pretty sure everyone can do math. Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to post it, but...not just yet, haha. BUT, I will also add a supplemental goal - lose at least 1 pants' size. That would be so awesome, and given my body shape it's very hard to lose pant sizes so that's why I'm only going for 1. Here's hoping for more!
Step 2 is to set my reward. I'm going to give myself 2 rewards - 1 at 10 pounds lost, and a second when I lose the full 25. My first reward will be a beautiful new pair of shoes, and my second reward will be a massage and facial. I've been DYING for a facial, so that's going to be really exciting for me and will really, really motivate me to get there.
Ok, so I guess that's it. The challenge is set to start this Friday, March 20 - so that'll be the first weigh-on. 25 pounds in 20 weeks, I can totally do it!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Finding Grace, Day 10
1. Empire Records ("Damn the man! Save the Empire!" // "Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear!" // "What's with you today, man?" "What's with today today?")
2. Parents who have no problem helping me out financially and don't make me feel more ashamed than I already am for having to ask them for help.
3. A tax return that, when finally received, will allow me to pay my parents back for all the help they've given me.
4. My co-workers, and the fact that we can talk about anything, no matter how ridiculous.
5. 90s clothing - Starter jackets, Umbros, etc.
6. Bigglesworth.
I seriously need to explain about Bigglesworth soon...so fear not, avid readers! (Ok, or no readers at all..because I seriously doubt anyone reads this thing)...the Tale of Bigglesworth will soon be here!
2. Parents who have no problem helping me out financially and don't make me feel more ashamed than I already am for having to ask them for help.
3. A tax return that, when finally received, will allow me to pay my parents back for all the help they've given me.
4. My co-workers, and the fact that we can talk about anything, no matter how ridiculous.
5. 90s clothing - Starter jackets, Umbros, etc.
6. Bigglesworth.
I seriously need to explain about Bigglesworth soon...so fear not, avid readers! (Ok, or no readers at all..because I seriously doubt anyone reads this thing)...the Tale of Bigglesworth will soon be here!
Monday, March 9, 2009
Finding Grace, Day 9, and books books books.
1. Beautiful wedding venues with amazing skylight domes.
2. Sunshine and Spring on its way!
3. Netflix
4. Having a friend I can talk to and tell things to without being judged, insulted or ridiculed. She's amazing. :)
5. Access to a gym.
6. The fact that the new apartment building I just checked out looks exactly like it does in its online pictures...no lies! Hooray!
You know, I've always read more Young Adult fiction than any other type of book. I read a lot of historical fiction, and I like to read books that touch on or deal with eating disorders, sexual abuse, child abuse. But YA? I love it! YA novels are so much fun. I can still relate to a lot of the stuff they write about (possibly because kids today aren't really kids anymore...they're trying to grow up so quickly that they're basically experiencing the same things I experience now, except without the responsibility of rent and bills and trying to keep a job), and they're just FUN. They're light without being chick lit (which is just stupid, because the only thing chick lit is ever about is a woman who has an awesome life but is unhappy because she doesn't have a MAN oh noes!).
I mean, yeah, there are a lot of stupid YA books out there, but there are a lot of really good ones, too! And seriously, YA vampire books are SO much better than adult ones are. Adult vampire books try to be all DARK and SEXY and MYSTERIOUS and SOPHISTICATED, but it just ends up being annoying and pretentious and stupid (I'm talking to you, Anne Rice). Even though I'm 25, I don't care. I'm not ashamed to walk into the Children's section at a bookstore. I worked at a bookstore for 6 years and the children's section was MINE, all mine, and I loved it so much that walking into one all by myself, with the intent of purchasing books for no one but myself, does nothing but bring back all the joyful memories of those 6 years. I love the smell of books, and I particularly love that the children's section is always so colorful and bright - even the YA section of it. I could spend hours there...even though I no longer get paid to spend on average 8 hours a day there, lol.
I have to say, I miss working in a bookstore a lot. I don't miss the customers, but I miss constantly being surrounded by books, having unlimited access to the new and the upcoming and the old, being able to just surround myself with new worlds the size of a 5x7 picture. As I do more and more legal work, and I realize what I've committed myself, I think that this is just not the career for me. I'm good at it, but it simply doesn't interest me, at least not what I'll be doing, really. I hope that I'm wrong, and I hope that I do get put into a department where I can actually explore my interests (preferably family law, of course). But truly, I think books are where my heart lies. I've thrown the idea back and forth a lot, but I really think that I'm just going to stick out the lawyer thing for a few years until I pay off my loans, and then I'm going to open up a bookstore. It would be the most fantastic thing ever; I DREAM about it.
At the end of high school, when it was time to decide which college to go to, I remember feeling like I didn't need or want to go to college because I'd already discovered my passion, my career. I loved my store, and I never wanted to leave it. My parents understandably flipped, as did my older co-workers. I'm happy they did, because I think that left to my own devices I probably would have foregone college, which wouldn't have been good. And plus, I had an awesome time there. But either way, as more time passes, I think I was right. Books are my passion; I LOVE them. They call to me, and I think now, more than ever, I'm almost ready to return their call.
2. Sunshine and Spring on its way!
3. Netflix
4. Having a friend I can talk to and tell things to without being judged, insulted or ridiculed. She's amazing. :)
5. Access to a gym.
6. The fact that the new apartment building I just checked out looks exactly like it does in its online pictures...no lies! Hooray!
You know, I've always read more Young Adult fiction than any other type of book. I read a lot of historical fiction, and I like to read books that touch on or deal with eating disorders, sexual abuse, child abuse. But YA? I love it! YA novels are so much fun. I can still relate to a lot of the stuff they write about (possibly because kids today aren't really kids anymore...they're trying to grow up so quickly that they're basically experiencing the same things I experience now, except without the responsibility of rent and bills and trying to keep a job), and they're just FUN. They're light without being chick lit (which is just stupid, because the only thing chick lit is ever about is a woman who has an awesome life but is unhappy because she doesn't have a MAN oh noes!).
I mean, yeah, there are a lot of stupid YA books out there, but there are a lot of really good ones, too! And seriously, YA vampire books are SO much better than adult ones are. Adult vampire books try to be all DARK and SEXY and MYSTERIOUS and SOPHISTICATED, but it just ends up being annoying and pretentious and stupid (I'm talking to you, Anne Rice). Even though I'm 25, I don't care. I'm not ashamed to walk into the Children's section at a bookstore. I worked at a bookstore for 6 years and the children's section was MINE, all mine, and I loved it so much that walking into one all by myself, with the intent of purchasing books for no one but myself, does nothing but bring back all the joyful memories of those 6 years. I love the smell of books, and I particularly love that the children's section is always so colorful and bright - even the YA section of it. I could spend hours there...even though I no longer get paid to spend on average 8 hours a day there, lol.
I have to say, I miss working in a bookstore a lot. I don't miss the customers, but I miss constantly being surrounded by books, having unlimited access to the new and the upcoming and the old, being able to just surround myself with new worlds the size of a 5x7 picture. As I do more and more legal work, and I realize what I've committed myself, I think that this is just not the career for me. I'm good at it, but it simply doesn't interest me, at least not what I'll be doing, really. I hope that I'm wrong, and I hope that I do get put into a department where I can actually explore my interests (preferably family law, of course). But truly, I think books are where my heart lies. I've thrown the idea back and forth a lot, but I really think that I'm just going to stick out the lawyer thing for a few years until I pay off my loans, and then I'm going to open up a bookstore. It would be the most fantastic thing ever; I DREAM about it.
At the end of high school, when it was time to decide which college to go to, I remember feeling like I didn't need or want to go to college because I'd already discovered my passion, my career. I loved my store, and I never wanted to leave it. My parents understandably flipped, as did my older co-workers. I'm happy they did, because I think that left to my own devices I probably would have foregone college, which wouldn't have been good. And plus, I had an awesome time there. But either way, as more time passes, I think I was right. Books are my passion; I LOVE them. They call to me, and I think now, more than ever, I'm almost ready to return their call.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Finding Grace, Day 8
1. Those sticky tab-it things that you can stick to pages to make it easy to find an important page or an important line on a page.
2. Onions on subs :)
3. Clothes. Despite the fact that a lot of my stuff shrank in the dryer over the weekend, I am still grateful that I even HAVE clothes that I can shrink in the dryer.
4. Snow days!
5. Sweet texts from my honey.
6. My new (and first) tattoo! Picture here: http://www.twitpic.com/1sdjm (please don't mind the stubblyness...I'm not allowed to shave the area for a while while it's healing........)
2. Onions on subs :)
3. Clothes. Despite the fact that a lot of my stuff shrank in the dryer over the weekend, I am still grateful that I even HAVE clothes that I can shrink in the dryer.
4. Snow days!
5. Sweet texts from my honey.
6. My new (and first) tattoo! Picture here: http://www.twitpic.com/1sdjm (please don't mind the stubblyness...I'm not allowed to shave the area for a while while it's healing........)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
